The most important thing is NEVER TO PANIC.

eventually, i'm sure i'll get there...

Total crisis today to things being clearer this afternoon. I try to stay out of crisis and just work toward the next bill getting paid. Today was really tough as I had a deadline that I knew I couldn't meet. I had to have a long, painful talk with a person I care about, and it did not feel good. And then I did not feel good.

I went to my friend's house and cried on his shoulder... "I'm Failing." I told him. Am I ridiculous to think I could actually do this? Quit my job and move to Aspen with my kids and live on a ski instructors salary with no savings to get us through?

Who am I to be giving people advice on following their dreams? Mine are held together by dental floss and an overly healthy optomistic streak.

In order to ski this summer, I have to be selfish. In order to make the ski cut, I have to ski this summer, or I don't have a chance in hell. I probably, honestly, don't have a chance to begin with, but if I'm going to give it all I have, like I promised I would, that means I have to ski this summer.

To what detriment? Can I come up with the $4000 I'll need (and that's with a donated plane ticket) to get there and live, and pay for my place here at the same time?  How can I think that will happen when I'm struggling to pay rent this month?

The worst part is, I don't want to ask for help. There needs to be a time when this is settled, solved. And while it gets better every year, I need it to be all better now. Which means I'm doing something that's not working. My costs are more than I make. But my costs are as low as I can get them without living in my car.

So I'm looking at all these things, after having had a fairly tough week, emotionally, although my massage business is picking up a LOT, its still not grown as big as I need it to.

I have an interview for a short haul in New Zealand tonight, which is promising, but that's not till the end of July, and I have to make money to get there.

I have several writing projects that I'm working on, but... but... what materializes now for car payment, groceries and rent for May and June? Should I go get an office job? If I do, I won't be free to work at 02 or privately giving massage, which is what my professional skill set is in. If I work hard developing my massage business, I will be able to have time to be with my kids and make a good living at the thing I love doing. I'll be walking down my path.

Then there is my job at the stables. I gave it up in hopes of getting the job at Portillo, was that wishful thinking? Was that foolish? Was that selfish? If I hadn't, and I'd gotten the job, I would have had to let my boss at the stables down at the last minute. That didn't feel like integrity.

Because I don't really have the luxury to make decisions like these, are they reckless when they don't work out? Does it mean that I shouldn't be doing this?

In the midst of these tears, I got a text from 02... my first massage from them, and I just got hired yesterday. It seemed like a sign, a reprieve. I know its silly, there's no signs. But I latched onto it just in case.

Working at 02 is wonderful, its the kind of business I'd open if I was going to open a spa. A yoga, pilates and meditation studio with a small quality spa upstairs. It feels homey, it feels wonderful.

So I'm going to do this interview, I'm going to keep doing massage at my place and at 02, I'm going to breathe, I'm going to clean houses to fill in the money and I'm going to work my ass off. That's my plan.