Sometimes you have to get out and push.

Hello, again. So I've had a lot to write about, but I was bottle necked, I couldn't seem to get anything but a little hiking done for the last week or so, and now, something is uncorked, so hold onto your inbox, i guess theres a bit of posting coming your way. If I was smart, and i had less of an instant gratification kind of personality, I'd time release these so they'd publish one every day for the next week. But when I think of them, I think OOH OOH! I need to write that down, and then, OOH OOH! I wonder if anyone understood what I wrote? So not so much with the patience thing... although, perhaps that will come.

Tonight, I schlepped myself out to the M. Again, I wanted to go to Baldy, I'm in need of a good 10 miler or more, but as psyched as I was to get out and hike again, I am tired today.

I haven't been sleeping for the last five days or so, and so I'm pretty sluggish during the day, leading to some coffee and red bull consumption... oh, I had come SO far in finding the ability to be propelled through life on my own Qi... but I can always reach for that again, right?

Okay. So I'm hiking along and sweating and my legs are freakin HEAVY today. I felt okay in the ribs, I can definitely feel them now that I'm completely off the pain killers, it hurts to breathe, but its not awful. Its not really slowing me down anymore.

Today, I stopped three times, with the thought, nothing is as difficult as when it is done reluctantly. And I was having a little pity party while i was hiking, and it was making me hike slllooooow. It took about an hour to get to the Bridger ridge today, but it felt like twice that. I got passed on the steep section by a mom and her daughter and, seriously, I wanted to just say, well THATS IT, I'm going down.

But then the thought that it doesn't really matter what the fitness of this mom and her daughter is occured to me, because they aren't the ones that have to keep up with Megan and Andy and Kurt and Weems in the bowl this year. Their level of fitness is COMPLETELY immaterial to the fact that I have a tryout in a little over 900 days. Maybe I should focus on being where I am and asking my body to do what it needs to do to get strong and stay strong.

So I slogged up further, with the thought that I've climbed this path quite a bit. It feels like hundreds of times, and so have hundreds of other people. I have hiked it when I've been lonely but together, happy but alone, happy but together, broken hearted, scared, frustrated, excited, thrilled, when I've had a broken wrist, a broken arm, and now broken ribs, I've hiked it when its been -6 degrees and when its been 102 degrees. And the one thing that's stayed consistent (aside from my now ragged trail running shoes) is that every time I go up it in less than ideal emotional circumstances, it occurs to me again that the selectors at try outs aren't going to care if I have a splinter. Or a cold. Or a broken heart. If my friend wasn't nice to me that day, or my son puked in my lap the night before. They want to see the ski work in the snow. And to do that, I'd better be able to show up and ski no matter what. Which means that I'd better be strong. Strong enough to ski to my body's potential. Strong in my mind to set aside those things that don't move me toward my goal, but take up space in my mind.

And no, I wouldn't have won any races today. But I did keep walking.

And finally, a wonderful thing happened as I neared the top. This incredibly cheesy R and B song that I absolutely LOVE came on my iPod, Megan put it as the opening song to JGS 5, its Proud by Heather Small. And it makes me feel invincible every time I hear it. And as I'm listening to it, and seeing Jon Ballou ski in my mind, and feeling the powder under my skis, and twisting my femurs and opening my ankles and feeling that beautiful light happiness that spreads through my body like a rampant infection every time I get a chance to make a turn, I get a text from a reader.

"Thanks for the Afraid post. I needed to read that tonight." and I feel suddenly useful, like even the trials have a purpose, like we are all in it together. And then I get a text from Mike and his kids "to our heroine on the hill" and I think its ridiculous, because I'm not a hero, I'm one of six hundred people who have hiked this trail today, but on the other hand, wait a minute, I am a hero, I'm a hero to ME today, because there are so many times I could have turned around, and so many times I wanted to stop, but I need this.

I need to find my place again and feel my body growing strong and see the snow and my path in front of me. And for the last two weeks, its been like white noise, I know my path is out there, but its hard to see with all the pain and uncertainty thats swirling. And these two texts and this little song, well, it was like someone got out and pushed. My legs were not so heavy. It was still a ridiculously hard hike, (this, the second easiest hike I can do...), but I got to the top and was grateful for the people in my life who put wind in my sails and help me puff along when it seems just too hard to do.

Thanks for the help, guys. I feel so much stronger with you by my side.

Thundering in the Valley

Glad i chose to go to Baldy rather than heather lake, its pouring and thundering over there!

The High Meadow on the way to Baldy

Charles Trenet keeps me company through the high meadows. think i'M gonna take ethan back packing next weekend.

Getting Lost on the M trail is easier than it looks...

Today, I went for a hike with my friend Elaine from massage therapy school. We hiked up the M, taking our time, and decided when we got to the ridge just to trundle on up to the top of the second little peak there.

Since I had all my appointments on Thursday, I've been feeling much MUCH better, Friday was an incredible day, Saturday was harder, as I had a lot of errands to run for Bodhi's birthday, so the day got harder and harder, then 14 five year olds and their parents came over for a couple of hours, which was fun but exceptionally overwhelming. (photos coming soon)

I spent most of the party internally coaching myself through the chaos... one of the things that I used to be pretty good at which I am really struggling with now is keeping a train of thought when there is a lot of noise or interruption. That, of course, never EVER happens when you have 14 five year olds running through the house.

Cassy, babysitter of doom and another friend from Massage Therapy, came to the party and was lovely enough to run to my rescue, hiding skelleton pieces, playing games with the girls, and handing out spiked cider (with pomegranete liquour and cogniac! wheee!) to the adults.

Our good friends the Hustons stayed after, and Mama Jen cleaned up my entire kitchen while I sat in the playroom trying to get my mind to be still.

This morning, I woke up with an even worse headache (I've had one since the accident, but it has really intensified lately), and I found myself wishing wishing for a day of therapy appointments, because I want to feel good again!

I met Elaine out at the M in the morning, as I said, and we hiked up to the second peak, I think its about 7 or 8 miles round trip. It was GREAT to get out there on a long long hike, to be way up high and watch the rain moving across the valley.

My balance is still totally whacked, which makes me worried, I lost my balance several times on my way up the trail, and had some LOVELY vertigo once we were standing on the top, which never happens to me on rock. On the way back down, I had the odd experience of thinking that we had turned down off the ridge and were heading down the main M trail, when we came out of a clearing and I realized that we were just NOW at the end of the ridge and turning down the trail. This kind of disorientation is bizarre to say the least. We hiked on again for a while, and I had that lost feeling one more time before we got to the fork that takes you down the steep way or over to the M itself. I recognized the fork and from there on felt fine, but definately felt my body on the way down.

The stress and distress of feeling lost on such familiar terrain was something I had to breathe through and actively let go, I could feel the physical manifestations trying to take over, with my headache increasing like crazy and my body getting tight and tense. When we got back to the car, my legs were shaking, and I felt like crawling in the back of my truck and just laying there. I wanted to curl up in a ball and rock and cry for a few minutes, but I hugged Elaine, and tried to breathe through it, let it go into the wind, found the feeling of some raindrops on my face, which made me sane enough to get to the Daily Coffee Bar on Rousse, where I thought, perhaps, a latte might help.

I've been off caffiene completely for a week now, so I thought it might kill the headache, no luck there, but being in the Daily made me feel warm and loved and well fed, and on I went to home, where Tom had spent the day cleaning after the party.

I went into the playroom (after medicating and then counting the minutes for the meds to kick in) and then embarked on the most therapeutic thing I can do: a transformer rebuild.

The transformers had been trashed by the kids at the party, so Ethan and Bodhi and I systematically sorted the parts by color and type, and slowly rebuilt them all. My speech therapist says this is a great activity, and it was terrific. I sort of Rain Man'd out in the corner and just worked on Transformers for a few hours, and then felt much better.

I've had to coach myself through every activity this evening, answering emails and working on scheduling, but I got through it all. I have my first midterm tomorrow, but I am going to prepare for it by going to bed early and hoping for a passing grade, I'm afraid of putting any more stress on my brain tonight!

Any Excuse to Quit: Or, Assume the Position of Someone Who is Excited to do This!

We've all been there, even on a day when we feel psyched to go play. I woke up on Saturday morning, and the VERY first thought I had was... I could just NOT go for a hike, and instead stay home and make pancakes.

And I actually DID lay back down for about a minute. And then I thought, this is ridiculous. Yes, you didn't sleep much last night, but COME ON! You'll be psyched once you start. Then I pictured myself hiking in the hot sun, and that just seemed like hard work, so I immediately took back THAT awful visual and replaced it with getting my coffee first. Ahhh, that will be nice.

Out the door I go. I drove to my FAVORITE coffee in the WORLD so far, The Daily Coffee on the corner of Oak and Rousse. I got my latte, an incredible vegi burrito for the top of the mtn, and a raspberry coconut scone of DOOM. I felt happy.

I started driving towards the M, and for some reason in my mind, I was picturing loving the drive through Bridger Canyon, savoring my coffee. Maybe its because I spend almost my entire Bridger Bowl paycheck during the ski season getting coffee at the daily EVERY morning, and then savoring it while watching the Alpen Glo.

So I was SURPRISED when I remembered that the M was right there, I didn't get to go through the canyon after all. I wasn't READY to hike! I was thinking I had like 20 more minutes of wake up time! Maybe I won't go after all.

Well THAT's insane. But the thought was there. Then, OH JOY! There are cars everywhere, all down the road, and the M lot is packed. I pulled up and hopped out. I walked up to a race volunteer. "Is the Ridge Run today?" I asked. Yup. "So its probably not a good idea for me to go hike up to Baldy and be swimming up stream, huh?" I asked, hopefully.

"Oh, no! They'd probably love it! That's great! Have a good hike!".

Crap. So much for that, now I HAVE to go. Here is the insane part: I like hiking! I was happy to go!

I schlepped back to my car, and just started putting my gear on. Assume the position of someone who is excited to go for a hike this morning. Put your gear on in a happy, energetic way. Put on your iPod. Lets DO THIS.

I asked the volunteers if they needed anything trucked up to Baldy, and hit the trail. Of course, immediately I felt better. The second I started walking. And then my phone rang, and sometimes, if its a friend, or a client, I'll answer even if I'm hiking... so I did. And I hiked right past all the places that I usually complain in my head, because I was chatting on the phone. Okay, I know its gross to talk on your phone while you are hiking, but HEY, at least I was HIKING!

I got to the ridge in record time for me: 40 minutes flat, feeling good, strong and happy.

You never ever know which days will be days full of energy. I have found that constantly coaching yourself into a place where you keep asking yourself for more, for positivity, to reexamine the way you are feeling, to make a different choice, to give yourself a chance opens doors that would otherwise be BOLTED shut.

Assume the position. Assume the position of someone who knows how to ski! Assume the position of someone who is confident. Your body language can help inspire your own true feelings to follow. I'm not suggesting you lie or pretend, I'm suggesting you put your body in a posture of success, and open your heart to the possibility that you might succeed, and boy, that might feel really good!!

The Herd Mentality. Or, I'm going to slow down because she's more fit than I am...

(photo by WindDrinkers)
So the other day, I hiked up to Baldy, basically swimming upstream during the Ridge Run. It was great fun, amazing to watch these athletes race along the spine of the Bridgers, a 27 mile run with a 4300' elevation gain, and a 9600' loss (man, its BRUTAL going downhill that fast for that long!).

When I turned around, I had the very unusual experience of suddenly feeling like I had something to prove. It was a great moment to take a step back and watch my emotional reaction to stepping into a stream of people who are working hard towards a competitive goal. While I knew intellectually that I had only hiked up five miles, and these folks had gone... 20, or so..., and that I wasn't truly competing with any of them, I still noticed a desire in myself to run faster, stay in step, adapt a competition mentality.

Along with adopting this irrational state without logically deciding to, I noticed something interesting... when the person in front of me stopped running and walked on the uphill pitch, I felt grateful for an excuse to stop! Whew! It MUST be hard enough to warrant stopping, the person ahead of me did!

I was eager to filter out all of the outstanding information that should inform my decision on how fast and far I wanted to go, on this, a training run for me that has nothing to do with the ridge run, in favor of following the herd. I abdicated my responsibility in my own training to the total stranger in a different event who happened to be twenty feet ahead of me!

This got me thinking. Of course. Because that's what I do when I'm hiking... I blog in my head about all the nonsense that is or is not helping me reach my goal that day.

As I was ruminating over the issues of herd mentality in a race situation, and how it can affect innocent bystanders (by-hikers?), a SUPER fit chick ran by me with a big smile on her face. I had been happily jogging along, keeping a good pace after overcoming my mooooo-ness and passing the "Its Okay To STOP" guy ahead of me when this blur of superfitness sprinted by.

"Oh. She's much more fit than I am. Now I feel defeated." popped into my head. FOR REAL! Let me state for the record that I was feeling pretty good on this day! I was very happy with my hike, the time I made to the top, the pics I took, and the fact that the jog down was going to shred my thighs and make them HUGE like TREE TRUNKS. So why so eager to jump to defeatism?

In this moment, I remembered to separate myself, my reality, from the reality of the person who had run by me. She is living her life, in her reality, and while it is literally on the same path as mine, my experience of my life and success and failure is separate from hers, just as it is separate from the guy who walked uphill.

In a good Yoga practice, we concentrate on where WE are on our journey. Yoga is not a competitive or comparative activity at its root. We are never supposed to look at someone else in Yoga class and yearn for our bodies to be where theirs are. When you move into a posture in Yoga, you strive to ask your body to do what it can, and perhaps a bit more. Where your limit is is the APPROPRIATE place for your body to stop, because this is where you get the benefit of the work you are doing. Wishing you were "as good" as the person next to you, or pushing your body to a place where you are "imitating" the posture, but not effectively working in it is damaging, and beside the point.

I looked at the SuperFit woman as she trucked off into the distance, and asked myself to imagine a different reaction as she ran past me... one that thanked her for showing me how much more was possible in my own fitness, one that admired her dedication and training without the poison of jealousy, and suddenly, I had a puff of energy! It propelled me forward, onto the balls of my feet, and I was running.

We face these choices a hundred times a day, but sometimes we don't catch them until we are suddenly realizing that we unexpectedly aren't feeling too good about ourselves, or our choices... we are suddenly and unexpectedly in a place of judgment and criticism, which is never a good platform to perform from!

I am working hard every day in my own personal training to remove judgment and criticism, to ask myself to try harder, to give more, and to be proud of where I am on my own journey. If I can stay there, or bring myself back to that present moment, void of negativism, the path is clear before me, and I leap down it unencumbered!

hello from the top of the first big peak on the bridgers!

Hi. Ethan and Bodhi ! go look outside at the first big peak above the m trail, mom is up there waving at you!

Greetings from the top of the Bridger Ridge!

Greetings from the top of the bridger ridge! 45 minutes to the top with a loaded pack tells me training is paying off, even with a full week off. Aspen on Thursday!