Because that's what I can do today.

So my new regimen of Fitness has begun. And I'm proud. I'm killing it. I'm on my path and I know it will build from here. Do you want to know what I've done? I've started taking my vitamins.

Yup. That's it. Oh, that, and I've made the choice not to work out even though I have all of the energetic and emotional intent and desire to, because I've been pretty sick for the last week and haven't had enough rest to properly heal and recover.

I also am recovering my knee from a sprained MCL, and skiing in a brace right now, so my Skier's Edge machine is also taking a rest.

I've been in this place before, where I've gained some weight, lost some fitness and been really unhappy with myself. I mean, I have a year and two months before the regional demonstration team tryouts, and two years before the nationals. I can't really afford to fuck around anymore.

But here's something that has changed. For the first time, I haven't had to talk myself out of doubting my ability to continue increasing my fitness. Yes. I am about TWENTY pounds heavier than I like to be. Welcome to Aspen, let me complain about my job, OH MY GOSH I have to stop eating at the Nell and Cloud Nine and the Ritz and the Aspen Mountain Club for breakfast, lunch and dinner or I'm going to need a uniform that's three sizes bigger next year! (That's a horrible fate, isn't it?)

Okay. The point is, yes I am blessed for sure to have such amazing food to taste, and such good friends to share it with. But there needs to be balance here. I think the major shift for me is that I have compassion for myself.

I understand that I need a huge level of fitness to get where I am going. But I also understand that everything I've been doing has been laying the foundation to create a place where I can focus on becoming fit at that level without taking from my kids or my mom or my partner. Moving here was the first step. Moving into three different houses, helping my mom get here, having discussions with her about how much she can give, how much she wants to give and how to make sure her life feels honored and full while still creating the space to allow me to train was another.

Learning how to exist in this environment professionally, focusing on doing my job well and integrating into this amazing school above my personal training goals, so that I CAN focus on my training eventually has been another compassionate step. And the journey hasn't been frustrating.

I find myself in this place, not as fit as I want to be, heavier than I like to be, but with depth in other crucial areas that are now ready to support the huge physical push I have before me.

Last night, my mom and I watched Lindsay Vonn's winning downhill race on the computer. I have never seen a person, male or female, be affected less by the external forces which act upon a skier at such high speeds. She was so often in balance, so rarely pulled or knocked out of balance, and when she was, the movements that she had to make to get back into balance were so minimal, that she was able to ski at an unprecedented level with less effort. This is a direct result, I believe of her tremendous fitness.

This is what I want from my body. If I have a huge level of fitness, the forces which act on me when I am skiing will have a diminished affect compared to other skiers, it will be harder for me to get out of balance, and easier for me to get back into balance. I'll be able to last longer, perform more athletically, and accurately even on the fifth day of the tryout.

Yes, I have one year and two months to get there. No, that's not as much time as I'd like. But its what I have. And now that the foundation is laid, my kids are happy and thriving and well adjusted, we are moved in, my mom is here and much more comfortable, things are hitting their stride, I can turn my focus to taking the time that I have left and maximizing my ability to become as fit as I can.

Today, I took my vitamins. Because that's what I can do today. I went to on snow training, but I didn't work out further than that because I'm recovering from a cold and an injury. Healing and sleeping well is a part of this. Its a part of patience and restraint that will add up to an ultimately much stronger body.

So for the first time, I don't feel thwarted by being sick or being injured or having no time or needing to move or unpack or care for sick kids when I have the need and desire to train hard and get strong. I feel that I have a real understanding of doing what I can do, with intent towards increasing my focus in this area so that in the next three weeks, I'm in a program that allows me to travel toward a level of fitness that allows me to ski in a way that I only dreamed was possible.

Today, I took my vitamins, because that's what I could do today. And I killed it!