|There's a lot of material to know before going to the TA exam!|
Yesterday, I was supposed to go train with my friend Cindy, who is an incredible skier, teacher and friend. And we had some hiccups in our communication, and at the last minute, I ended up crying in her bedroom and going through more tissues than one could think was possible rather than skiing.
Can I just say thank goodness for friends like this? Our miscommunication brought up some tough points that I needed to look at about scheduling and rescheduling. I have been working REALLY hard on being more consistent, on follow through, and on not overscheduling myself.
For instance, I KNOW that I am too busy to do ANYTHING else during ski season other than teach, train, and play with my kids. I had to say no about ten times to my massage job at the St. Regis, where I'd LOVE to work. But I know that if I commit to even one day there, I will eventually get overwhelmed, stretched too thin, and dissapoint the people who I love working for. Therefore, thank you so much for asking, the extra cash would really come in handy, but I can't say yes, because I KNOW I can't hold up my end of the bargain.
I'm getting better at it, but I did make a poor choice earlier in the year, when I asked Brian if I could keep Doc (the big horse I love) at my friend IVs ranch for the winter.
I don't have time to have a horse in the winter, I don't have time to fold the laundry, let alone drive to old Snowmass three times a week to care for and exercise a horse. I was initially thinking that once a week, or once every other week would be enough, and then I realized that I wasn't even getting out there once a month. Doc got rambunctious and difficult, IV had to take care of him, and he got in trouble.
Doc lives in Silt now for the rest of the season, and I am left with a reminder that I need to caretake my friendships carefully by saying no, thank you. It was SO lovely and tempting and delicious and to feel my family grow, to feel welcomed by IV and her family, to know that my horse was out there with Melissa's horse, to think that maybe we could keep that awesome connection going through the winter, that I overrode my gut to go with what I wished could be true.
Ultimately it was my responsibility to look forward and know that while it might hurt my friend's feelings in the short term that I can't come out to old snowmass to play during the winter (even though I really really want to), being clear with MYSELF with that boundary and honoring it will protect and caretake the friendship and relationships better in the long run.
I'm dissapointed in myself for not sticking with what I knew in my gut. I was hoping it would be true, that I could pull it off. But I know that in order to accomplish my goals and take good care of my kids, winter for me means home and work and that's it.
I'm grateful for the grace that I've gotten, but even more grateful for the lesson that I learned, first with Doc and IV, and yesterday with Cindy.
My little sister Liat has also been helping me be more efficient and on top of things than ever before, for instance after three months of trying, I finally got my phone linked to my calendar so when people ask me if they can come over for a massage (I do about 3 a week from my home when I can.), I can look in my phone on the spot and say yes or no without having to get back to them and then dropping the ball or being afraid that I've overscheduled myself once again.
I'm not sure why this has always been such a tough thing to do, but I've been diligently practicing for the last two years, and in the last month, I've managed to make big changes that make me feel really liberated and happy and I have MUCH less anxiety about the whole thing.
A big piece was yesterday, I had been afraid to clean my house because I was afraid that the three hours it would take would take time away from studying, but I didn't even know what I needed to study, because I hadn't had time to sit down and plan. I've been reading material piece meal as I've found it, and my study guide looks like a giant spider's web.
Cindy to the rescue. She found a way to string a few spare minutes together and help me get orgainzed, I now have about 4 1/2 hours of dedicated study a day, plus time to finish my passport on snow before the selection, and three days to train on snow, time to clean my house, do two massages and get my skis tuned.
This use of her patterned brain helped me see how to organize my own materails into time chunks that were managable, and also helps me say no. I'm busy right now! I'm super busy! Until February 15, I'm swallowed whole by the exam process and my kids.
The wonderful thing is, because of Cindy's help, I got my house clean without panicing, I gave a great 2 hour massage at my home and felt present during the whole thing and energized afterwords, I helped Ethan with his big school project, read some Harry Potter to Bodhi, and I STILL feel on track and on top of my own homework.
I get by with a little help from my friends. Thank you Cindy for your help and understanding, and Liat for your support and encouragment and holding space so gently while I practice all this stuff, and to Melissa, IV and Lissa for hosting Doc. I'm sorry that it didn't work out, and I'm grateful to you for all you did for both of us.
Five days to exams and counting, and the lessons of this journey continue to challenge me to be a better Kate. I'm grateful for the opportunity!