Sometimes, I catch myself wondering if it can be done. I mean, I hear the thoughts in my head that say, with good reason, clarity and pragmatism, that the possibility of being a viable candidate for the National Alpine Team in a year and two months is very very low. Silly. Maybe even stupid.
The funny thing about thoughts like that is that thoughts like that make it even less likely to happen. And if it's that remote of a possibility, in order to succeed, there is no room at all for anything that diminishes possibility.
This journey, it turns out, has nothing whatsoever to do with making the team.
I think that the journey toward the tryouts has become a five-year meditation, a practice of training myself over time to let go of what is not productive toward growth and stay focused on what is.
Because the attached me needed an excuse: a goal, I needed somewhere to go, a fixed point to walk toward, making "The Team" gave me that focal point.
Sometimes, I think; Kate, if you were suddenly to win the lottery and had the luxury of paying for every kind of training possible and you trained your brains out without any other obligation for a year and two months it is STILL very unlikely that you would make the team, so why bother going all in for something that you are probably, in spite of giving it a "really good try" going to fail at?
The immediate answer, now that I've been training my heart to believe in me for five years, is simple. It doesn't matter if I fail, because its not at all about making the team. Its about every moment like that one being the lesson. How quickly can I let go of doubt? Can I live in a world where I accept what is and continue toward what can be? Can I stay integritous in my heart, committed to becoming, open to the lesson, open in my heart? Can I open more?
Thoughts like that distract from the possibility of improvement make it pretty likely that I will not get my feet past the ski cut. If I bleed emotional energy wondering why I am doing this, or if it is physically possible, or if it is emotionally possible, I slow down the flywheel of possibility I'm trying to build.
I see self-fulfilling prophecies all around me, I've done it myself for years. I wonder if I can break the cycle? I wonder, can I be strong of heart enough for it not to matter if I get to the summit, but just to let the next footfall matter? Can I let go of the outcome and focus on the work?
My friend Lissa once said to me when I was having a hard time, "Chop Wood, Carry Water."
It is really immaterial whether I'll have the feet or not, I can't predict the future. All I can do is keep listening to my mentors, keep developing my internal coach, keep turning left and right as much as possible. For me, now, its time on snow. Time on snow, time on snow.