Knowing, Believing, Guessing, Wondering, Being Unsure

What a wild ride this is becoming. Its interesting to watch myself ping pong every couple of hours back and forth between:

This is insane, I am so far away from where I need to be with my feet that I have bitten off WAY more than I can chew, what was I even THINKING?

to:

Wow, that was a big change, that is sticking, and my understanding is unfolding, too, so maybe if I stay with it, over the next 70 days, what I have will be enough. (Should I get invited.)

to:

Holy shit, I need to re read every technical skiing book I own for the sixth time, so that I can read it from this place, and understand it better.

to:

Now that I've bitten this off, I guess I'd better chew. Humble pie for dinner again.

to:

out right fear

to:
excitement for the process and the journey

to:
periods of calm and good focus that feel good, sane, and in line with where i am now, rather than worrying about where I'd like to get to

to:
holy crap, where I'd like to get to is reaaaaallllllyyyyyy far away.

to:
who knows? stranger things have happened. (I hope)

And I think that this is just kind of part of the journey. I think its good to check in with reality and then live in possibility. If I only lived in possibility, I would have no concept of where the ground really was, and where I was working from. If I only live in the reality of where I am or was, I will never believe change is possible.

So its become this strange blend of beating the crap out of myself only to come up for air and go, well, this place is nice, too, lets work here and believe in the future.

Sometimes, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of calm that I'm moving smoothly in the right direction, regardless of whether I get there or not, that's not the point. That's a nice place to live, its really productive.

In the midst of all of that is just the simple, repetitive process of getting out there on the snow, and turning my feet again and again and again.

Which leaves me here: Just keep working. Work is prayer. Each turn is an opportunity to learn. I will either arrive in one destination or another, regardless, the journey is tremendous.