I do believe you can be whatever you want to be. As long as that thing is you.

I think we spend a lot of time suffering in pursuit of some ideal, of trying to become an image or an idea of another person we have seen. No matter how hard I work, I am not going to become my friend Ann, and I shouldn't want to. First, "Is not possible." because she is she and I am me. 

We have different... everything. To want to become who Ann is puts me in complete denial of all that I am, and can be. I am not going to have waist length curly brown hair, amber eyes, an eight pack and nearly black skin. Because I have shoulder length blonde hair, nice broad shoulders, a two pack and lighter skin. 

Beautiful. For so many reasons. This is the picture in question.

WHY am I going on and on about Ann (not her real name)? Because I was on Facebook the other day (imagine that), and my friend Ann, an accomplished and amazing yoga instructor, had posted a beautiful photo. Now; she is a truly beautiful woman, she is in the bloom of love, and she is making choices that help her live the life she loves. All of these things help to make her spirit and her soul shine through in a way that shows as a very bright light.

Many people are inspired by her beauty, how down to earth she is, how real, authentic, loving and giving she is, and how hard she works. She is a truly talented instructor, and a great, giving friend. She has a tight circle of like minded, like bodied girlfriends who love life together. 

After Ann posted this photo, many people commented on how beautiful she looked, how happy, how amazing. One person posted that she thought for years that if she worked hard enough, she would have a body like Ann's. And then this photo went up, and it showed this person that no matter how hard she worked, she would never ever attain the transcendental beauty and health that Ann possessed. This person was attempting to compliment Ann by holding her beauty as a ridiculous unobtainable ideal. In the process, she shattered her concept of her own self worth, beauty and potential, maybe without even realizing it. 

This is the trap of comparison. And we are all guilty of it sometimes. It diminishes our ability to feel joy, to be ourselves, to live in gratitude, to have a real and connected relationship with anyone. This kind of thinking leads to retail therapy and plastic surgery, trying to become something that you are not, by virtue of costume or sculpture. 

This might be more what your body looks like. This is a strong posture from the Ashtanga series. Beautiful. 

And be careful here, as well. By saying "becoming something that you are not" does not mean that you are LESS than the person you are looking at or wishing you were like. "Becoming something that you are not" means literally trying to make yourself into something other than YOU rather than shaping yourself into the MOST, BEST you that you can become by honoring your body, your face, your personality, your potential. 

You can develop your talents, and learn new skills, and be inspired down a path that you never knew was open to you (see previous post... Don't become a yoga instructor, everyone is doing that). But to do it in hopes of becoming someone else, and perhaps having their life rather than your own... happiness does not lie in this direction. This is a surefire shortcut to the sadness sickness.

Hair and breast implants, butt lifts, and the best yoga outfit in the studio are not going to change your internal life, who you are and the lessons you need to learn in order to grow. You are carrying your shit around with you no matter how thin, tan, and resurfaced you become. You are you. And how you look on the outside is heavily influenced by how much grace and compassion you have on the inside. Its true. I know you've heard it a million times. But it is true. When you let go of needing to be seen a certain way, the beautiful you begins to be nurtured, and THAT light is as bright as anyones.

You live with your own set of unique lessons that need to be learned. You can live in denial of those lessons by turning your judgement on others, chasing the idea of being someone other than you are, and changing your body by force. 

Or you can surrender into your skin, find a little grace and compassion for your beautiful potential, not only as an athlete, artist or spiri, but as a person. As a friend. As a heart. As someone to connect to, as someone worth knowing.

I feel this way in my body. It doesn't look a lot like this. But it gets healthier all the time, and I am so grateful for that. 

It took me a few years to wrap my head around loving who I am without that meaning that I am complacent. I can see my body as my own now, without overlaying the picture of someone else who seems to have a "better" body. I can see other people's health, and see myself, and know that I can become a healthier me. And strive for that. And be grateful for that.

Yoga tends to attract bodies that are easily suited to it, its fun to do something your body is already good at, already designed to do. My body is heavier, thicker than many yoga bodies. I have short arms and a long torso. I will never be able to jump through my hands because my palms don't touch the floor when I sit up straight. 

THIS IS NOT A TRAGEDY!! As Prem would say, "Is not possible." It doesn't matter. So, I do this little scooty thing where I drag my feet through my hands. Rhada has to do the same thing. Long torso, short arms, incredibly beautiful woman. Will I ever look like my teacher in Aspen, Sharon Capplain? Well, she is a good foot shorter than I am, with a vata body, thin, reedlike, floaty. If I tried to look like her, I would be in such fierce denial of me that I would kill my own light. Extinguish it by trying to become thinner than my body's natural constitution wants me to be.

Speaking of lights that shine bright, This is Sharon. 

Can I make my body healthier? Yes. I can. I can be inspired by Ann's deep practice and the resulting amazing body that she gets to play in all day. It does not discourage me to see how her body continues to develop into a stronger, leaner, more flexible, more grounded, more open vessel. She was not perfect before she took this photo, and she has not come closer to perfection with this photo. She was healthy before and is becoming more herself in many ways that require a lot more work than just eating salad and going to class.

When I saw this photo of Ann, I thought, wow. Look at her becoming even more who she is. She is really tapping into herself, loving herself, growing and becoming. I wonder who I will be if I continue to do that as well? 

And I was saddened by the statement that was posted, although I understand where it comes from. Because when we are motivated from a place of yearning or desire, our ability to work toward a goal is tainted from the start. It isn't truly from or for our own integrity. It is to win, to be like someone else, to be other that we are, to by "better" so we can be "happier". 

I also think that seeing this kind of post can, if she lets it, diminish Ann's happiness. This is the selfish and cruel part of this person posting a comment like this. The poster is punishing Ann to some extent for being brave enough to work hard emotionally, spiritually and physically on herself. This is unhealthy, selfish behavior.

Ann could take on this imposition, feeling guilty for the bounty she has created in her own life. I doubt she will, but it happens. Many people who have this kind of toxic "why can't I have it too" energy try to bring other people who are blissful down, so that their lives are more attainable.

The problem is that you can not co-opt someone else's happiness. No matter how hard she tries, the poster of this jealous comment won't be Ann. And there is no doubt that she is suffering for it. Until she learns that she CAN let go of wishing, and become the most excellent version of herself. The most excellent version of herself today, and tomorrow and the next day. She can look for ways that she can grow and shine and become healthier from wherever she is, whether that's 100 pounds over weight or very injured, or just a little sad and unsure of who she are or what her worth is, or whatever obstacle she is facing. 

Look in the mirror and find the spark of you. You are beautiful. You can become whatever you want to be. As long as that thing is an expression that really truly honors who YOU are. 

Question from a Reader: What do I do when I don't have a passion for anything?

I have a couple of friends who have asked me this question over the years. This is a hard one. Losing (or never finding to begin with) our passion often means we've lost our compass. Our internal compass that points the way to what is right and true for us.

Sometimes, we feel flat. Passionless, lost. Often times, we reach into the past, trying to recreate something that made us feel like we had promise. Sometimes, when we do that, we start living "in the glory days". All of our life in the present is focused on the fact that it was once good in the past and it will never be as good as it was.

Now, we are wishing. And wishing that something is other than it is is suffering.

This is also a trap for your will and your spirit. Looking up from the bottom of the well when things are not feeling so good is hard to do. Trusting that there is something out there for you, but you don't know what it is yet is VERY hard to do.

Our minds have an innate fear of the unknown. And if we find ourselves in a place where things are passionless, but familiar, we will tend to hang on to that feeling. Familiar, even when its unhealthy, feels safe.

The challenge here is to find your support group. Reaching out for help so you can have faith in yourself and in the future you will create is also hard. It means telling your closest friends, maybe only one or two of them, that you want to try something that is frightening to you. Maybe the thing you want to try is just admitting that you are unhappy. That can feel as scary as jumping off a cliff.

The thing that is beautiful is that there IS a path for you. That first step to health, the first step away from the flat, emotionless place is the hardest. Just in emailing me this question, my friend has taken that scary step.

Imagine you are standing on a grassy hill. There is a river below you. Across the river is your safe haven. A home, a place where people understand you, a place where a teacher will help you find your way. To get there, you have to cross a bridge. The bridge is made of glass. It looks like it is not there. The first step onto the bridge is going to be terrifying. Will it hold you? Can you stand on it? Are you crazy to even try? Once you take that step and you feel your feet underneath you, listen for the voices that are encouraging you on. Strain to hear them over everything in your mind that is telling you to turn back, this is unfamiliar and frightening.

Keep your gaze focused on what will really help you change your life, become who you want to become, healthier, happier, more YOU, more sure of yourself. Look across the bridge, not at your feet. Take another step. Eventually, you will know the bridge is there, and each step gets easier, as though there is sand sprinkled in the glass, and then some steel rods appear a little further on, eventually the bridge is wood and iron, sold and true. And then, you are on solid ground.

The reason we often get stuck in a flat, emotionless, passionless place is because something sad or traumatic has happened along the way. We begin to wish it hadn't happened. We see how things COULD have been, if only we had made a different choice, or not made a certain mistake, or been more patient, or loving, or giving. Or just a better person. We go down this spiral of self judgement that is so loud, and so full of blame, that it is paralyzing.

No wonder you can't find your passion. You've lost your sense of you. Your self worth. Step one: act compassionately toward yourself.

Do not judge.
Minimize harm.
Know that this will pass.

Say this out loud a couple of times. It is sound advice, and sound brain science from the folks who wrote "Wired for Joy" and run the Emotional Brain Training website. (Check it out, it is a powerful tool for change, based on the latest brain science.)

Step two: Find a friend or two that you trust and tell them you are trying to make a change.

Step three: Let go of needing to be in crisis and focus all of your energy on finding little places where you can make a positive choice. Make yourself a cup of tea. Turn off the television. Hug someone. Call your mom. Stand in the sun and feel the warmth on your skin. Hug your kid. Tiny things like this make cracks where joy can leak in.

Step four: Put yourself physically in places that inspire you. If you love the ocean but you are stuck at work, walk outside and stand by a fountain so you can hear the water. Let go of wishing you were at the beach and be appreciative of your love for water. Pay attention to what it is about the water that you love. Find gratitude for your connection.

Over time, you will find your feet, your compass will spin less violently, and you will be able to lift your head and notice, you may feel interested in something. This is the first step toward finding your passion.

I hope this helps!!

Much love,
Kate

If YOU have a question please ask it in the comments below! I'll do my best to answer it or find someone who can point you in the right direction. Thanks for reading!

Who installed the decision making software in YOUR brain?

A friend and I went for a walk today along the Rio Grande trail in Aspen. It was a lovely walk, and as usual, we fell into conversation that eventually wound around to talking about life, our goals, our happiness, our plans.

While we were talking, we started to talk about how much it costs to be a ski instructor. There are dues, clinic fees, exam fees, tryout fees, travel fees, she spends thousands of dollars a year in training.

I mentioned to my friend that at that moment, there is a decision process here. At some point, you have to decide if what it costs to apply for this job is worth interviewing for the job. If at some point the cost outweighs your desire to interview, then you are right, its not worth it. If you still want to interview even though it costs a prohibitive amount of money, you will find a way to find the money and get there.

It reminded me about the post I wrote about boundaries. At some point, even though you THINK you want to be involved in something, you may even feel SURE you want to be involved in it, there may come a time when you realize you have reached a boundary, one you thought was further out than it is.

It is smart, it is important, it is wise to be aware of these boundaries and to listen to them. If we don't listen, we tend to loose our sense of self preservation and just push through, sometimes right off the edge of a cliff. You saw the sign, you ignored it, you pushed through anyway, and the consequences are dire.

Sometimes, its important to look very carefully at those boundaries. Why are they there? Who put them there? Are you sure that obeying that boundary is in your best interest, or are you doing what society tell you is normal and right to do?

My friend asked me, "Kate, do you have any boundaries like this? Because it doesn't seem like you do."

Here is what I told her.

I am absolutely dedicated to the pursuit of becoming. My goal in my life is to perform to my potential as a human. To become who I might become, to remove impediments on the path to becoming.

Skiing is an avenue that I'm walking down while I'm becoming, but it could have been anything, it could have been fly fishing or painting, or under water basket weaving. I am very careful about looking at the boundaries I bump up against and checking to see why they are there. Am I not doing something because of fear? And if so, why is that fear there? Is this fear something I need to confront and move through? Or is this fear an indicator I should listen to?

Seven years ago, I did the scariest thing I think I will ever do in my life. Seven years ago, I faced a boundary of fear that I had shied away from dozens of times when I was growing up.

My stepfather was an incredibly frightening, abusive man. He terrorized my two sisters and I for twenty six years. During those years of abuse, I learned a lot of ways to keep myself safe. When I couldn't keep my body safe, I left my body and kept my mind safe. Our minds are amazing at coping, at creating little work arounds.

Seven years ago, when I was pregnant with Bodhi, I made the decision to confront him. To take the abuse we were all living with and make it public. This was scary for a couple of reasons; I wasn't sure what he was going to do. He has a violent and unpredictable temper, I had learned early not to provoke it if I could help it. I was afraid that I was going to lose my mother. I was afraid that she wouldn't believe me, or that if she did, she wouldn't be strong enough to leave him.

I had to decide that those choices were hers, I could not affect anything or anyone other than myself, and I knew I could not let this abuse continue. The tragedy of abuse is that it is a silent cycle of power. Because of fear and shame, its always kept under the rug, and the silence is complacency, which fuels space for the abuser to continue. Eventually, victims become abusers, or marry abusers, and their kids suffer the same fate.

Pregnant with Bodhi, Ethan not yet two years old, I knew it had to stop now. Sexual abuse is about power, not about gender. And I knew that no matter what the cost, I had to protect my kids from him. I would not allow them to become victims, I would not hobble their potential as people because I was to afraid to tell someone in my life that he could not touch me that way. That my body was my body. I could not fail my children that way.

I lived with fear for several weeks after I made the decision to confront him. I had to tell myself that it was appropriate that I feel fear, because this was a scary situation. When the day finally came and I drove with my husband to the therapist's office where my step father was going to be, I was more afraid than I have ever been. But I also knew that feeling that fear did not mean that this was something I should not do. It meant that this was a scary thing to do. In fact, the scarier it felt in my core, the more I knew I needed to do it, because I knew that fear that I felt was his, not mine. It was something I was taught to feel about him, by him. And I didn't want to be ruled by it any more, and I never wanted my kids to feel it.

After I went through that experience, I embarked on a mission to see what other things I felt fear about because of him. What decisions was I making based on lessons taught by this controlling, fear filled, abusive man?

At first, I went after them like a rabid detective. I wanted him out of me in every way. I wanted to be rid of him through to my soul. Of course, that is an impossible exorcism, I have lots of things in me that I learned from him that are good. I have a strong work ethic because of him. I can control my fear because of him, I can tolerate pain because of him, I can pitch a business plan because of him. I learned that there are no excuses and responsibility ALWAYS rests on me because of him. I learned to take responsibility, face the music, and walk towards the thing that scares me because of him.

But I had an unhealthy will to win because of him. I had a sabotaging tendency because of him. I believed I was horribly ugly because of him, I did not believe in myself because of him. I believed I could never be good enough, that I was unlovable and born to fail because of him. I hated myself because of him.

You can see that it is easy to say Because of Him. Its easy to fall into the role, to say, ah, I had a hard childhood, and because of that, someone owes me something. Someone else needs to love me the way that he should have. Someone else needs to take care of me to heal this wound.

Believing that is part of being swallowed by your past. It is another excuse, it is playing into your abusers hand, it is your abuser continuing to dictate your life, how it unfolds and what your potential is.

As I discovered that, I got angry. I didn't want even passive decision making by him in my head. And so, rather than placing blame, and becoming a victim of having been a victim, I got to work. For a while after you go through something like a confrontation with a person who is abusive, your abuse defines you. Its hard not to talk about it all the time. Its hard not to see everything through the lens of either the abuse or your struggle to survive. But with time and patience and practice, your abuse, your relationship with the person who abused you (and by this, I mean the way you think of them in your life and how much control they still have over you), fades and changes.

My abuse I see as a fact, like I have blond hair (well, now I'm getting Grey hair, but don't tell anyone.) When it seems apropos, I bring it up, because becoming silent about it again gives it power again. And so its a thing that happened in my life. I'm not angry about it any more. I don't hate my step father. I understand that he became who he is becuse he did NOT break this cycle in his own life. Someone obviously hurt him badly. He is a picture of what I could become. He is a picture of what happens when you let your coping and your abusers fear dictate the decisions you make in your life. When you don't do the work to ferret out root impetus, motivation, when you aren't willing to, for lack of a better word, look at your shit, you run the risk of becoming a person like this. A person driven to do things with no logical purpose, a person driven by passion and fear, a person running on the auto pilot installed by their abuser, and having no idea that its happening.

I don't worry or obsess about the abuse in my life. But it certainly was a powerful factor that shaped my life significantly, and continues to do so, because it drives me to become who I would have been, and who I can be now, had he never come in contact with me, and in spite of the fact that he did.

I bring it up here, because I answered my friend's question with a bit of that history, and then I told her; after I did the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, I wanted to be certain that any boundaries I felt were boundaries or rules that I agrees with. That were there for healthy reasons. I didn't just not want to abide by abstract rules of conduct installed by my step father, or all the coping I had learned to survive, but I didn't' want to abide by rules imposed by other people's fears in general.

Its like living in a pen or a corral and bumping up against the wall, and saying, oh, I shouldn't go out there. Well, why not? Because there is a fence here. Well, why is the fence here? Who put it there? Who says outside the fence is bad? Who is telling you to stay inside, and what is their motivation?

For years, my mother cut the end off of a ham before she cooked it. I always assumed that she cut it off for a reason, that had to do with basting or juices, I assumed that this is how you cook a ham. One day, I found out that she cut the end off the ham because that's how her mother had always done it. And then I found out that her mother cut the end off the ham because the ham wouldn't fit in their baking dish. There's no reason for me to do it. There's no reason for my mom to do it.

People live their lives trapped by convention and tradition, not that those things are bad, but have you examined why they are there? Just because its always been done that way, or it hasn't been done yet doesn't mean its not worth doing differently or its not worth trying to do!

What I told my friend was that I am just not willing, ever again, to look at a boundary that I bump into and blindly follow it. I look to make sure that I am not endangering myself, my kids, my family, I look to see what the risk is, what the possible result could be, and then, more often than not, I remove my fear and give it a try.

I realized, after I broke free of 26 years of fear and dictatorial rule by a deeply disturbed man that most of us walk around afraid of change, because the unknown is truly frightening. What would happen if I told the truth? Would my world fall apart? Would I loose my mother? Would I get beaten, or killed? Would my children get taken away? What about my PTSD? Would it get so bad that I would have to be hospitalized? Would I lose my kids because of that? Could I survive this?

The answer, quite simply, is yes. You can survive. There is life on the other side. Life on the other side not only of abuse, but of being broke, of being divorced, of being depressed, of being overweight. There is the life you choose to make. It is a life lived not carelessly, but in spite of fear. It is a life that you deserve, the life that we all deserve.

My friend asked me that question, because it costs a lot of money to walk down this path, that of trying out for the National Alpine Team, and there is very little chance that anyone will make it. But I'm not doing it for the paycheck. I could care less. There is a very nice tee pee here on T Lazy 7 that we can live in very cheap, and my kids like camping. We will be just fine.

Thats not to say I'm going to put us into financial ruin in pursuit of my goals, (you can't be a whole lot more broke than we are right now), but that I'm not afraid of it. because I know there is work out there. I know there is money to be made. I know my kids don't need TV or toys, they have the rivers and the horses and the mountains and the slack line and the other kids on the ranch to play with.

I know that making the safe choice, the choice with the predictable end is a choice that feels akin to death to me.

Now, when I face problems like, I want to go to Portillo this summer, but I don't have enough money, and if I do raise the money, are all my bills paid before I go, and who am I taxing in order to take this chance, an investment in my new path, trusting it will pay off later in things to write about, in relationships built, in training of my feet, in expansion of my understanding of history of the ski world? I think to myself, this is not a boundary that is going to hold me back.

This is an opportunity to work hard to make it happen. And it will either materialize, or it won't. Most of the time, if it does materialize, its not till the very last second, because I'm not in a place in my life where I can book things six months in advance, there is just too much uncertainty about whether it is safe to do it. That's me listening to a boundary. Until I know that I've met my responsibilities to my kids and my mom, who takes amazing care of all of us, I can't make a commitment like that. This drives people crazy, including me, and is something that I am working on changing, by working on increasing our bank account, and looking for creative ways to reduce costs, like getting an article approved ahead of time, and an expense account to help pay for a trip.

Whistler. Hood. Portillo. St. Anton, Italy (where I hope to find Stephano DeBenedetti and interview him, or have coffee with him, or go for a hike with him...). These are opportunities that could change my life. These are things that scare my friend because they are big choices in a life on a financial tightrope. But oh, if I can go. And OH! If I could take Ethan to Hood and take my mom and my kids to St. Anton for Interski... what an incredible journey it would be.

I choose to keep dreaming and to look at the thing that scares me, whether its a person, a thought, a steep pitch, or telling the truth to a friend, and walk right at it. Because I have a lot of becoming still to do.

Pinning down the Self

I had an epiphany on the way to school! So I'm studying Chinese Medicine right now, and its fascinating. I did a thorough intake on myself and on Tom, working on character type diagnoses.

My character types are split, as are most people. I'm Wood and Fire. Tom is very strongly Water. Now, the actual experience of going through the questionnaires and discerning the predominant characteristic is not really that important, I could have been looking at an astrological chart, or taking a quiz in Glamour magazine, a Scientology Personality Quiz, or any such thing. So for the purposes of this Epiphany, please know that its not about the Chinese labels, but more that we can use them to walk through this thought process. Bear with me... it might make sense at the end.

I've been ruminating over the fact that I come out strongly as Wood, I'm balanced in that category between Physical and Physiological characteristics. In Fire, I'm 100% of the Psychological, and 8 of the Physical. My Chinese Medicine teacher tells me that this indicates to her that I am more strongly a Wood Type, who is going through a Firey Period in life.

I'm okay with this, although I feel much more strongly identified with Fire. When I asked Tom to read through the questions, I told him the same thing that my teacher had told me, don't answer the questions as who you want to be, or who you think you are, or how you would have answered them in the last six months. This is how you would answer them in the last two weeks. Because your Psychological Self can change quickly, it adapts faster than your Physiological Body.

In Chinese Medicine, there is an idea that the physical is a manifestation of the Psychological, Energy tends to lead your Corporeal self.

So I'm driving to school today, and I'm looking at the spring wave of clouds that hugs the Bridgers from the Livingston side, rolling over it like a bundle of cotton batting, looking at the sun on the new wheat, bright green and vibrant in spite of the recent snow, and I'm thinking through the Chinese Character Types.

Here is the thought process. I'm Balanced in Wood. I'm also a Fire type. To put it in numerical terms, I'm 29 in Wood (split 15 and 14) and I'm 28 in Fire, (split 20 and 8). I'm thinking to myself, I'm trying to excavate myself, to discover me, to find myself, to know myself, so I can more accurately see pieces that are manifestations of ego, and let them go, and continue to grow.

I was troubled by a possible "inaccuracy" in looking at the types because I'm going through a Firey time, or things are shifting from Wood to Fire. So how can I know who I am? How can I pin me down and know just who I am so I can look at it?

Here's the epiphany. I've been looking and looking to find the static true me. But life isn't static. I'm not static. None of us are. We carry with us the culmination of life's experience and that can and does inform the way we move through the world in the now. But we are also learning, adapting, and letting go. We can filter that old information and let it either inform and rule our behavior today, or we can filter that old information and see it as a layer, like a lens of glass through which we view the present. If we can see the lens, if we know we are viewing through it, we can choose to remove it, intensify it, scrutinize its impact on today's decisions.

That concept, too, was not new. But the confluence of the two ideas, the self as ever changing and muting, the awareness of lens, led me to see that digging for the nugget of who I am, trying to pin down the self so I can excavate and understand, is a fruitless endeavor, because that self I would pin is different in this moment than in the moment that just passed.

Again, I need to let go, let go of concept, let go of ego, let go of definition of self, so that I can rest comfortably in the self that exists in the now, knowing its okay that that person was different in the past, will be different in the future, letting life's experiences flow through me, like a porous rock.

The label of "I am Wood" tries to freeze the self, the moment, and, like any label, detracts from the true self by putting rigid, static rules on it. While its important, for processing information, to be able to momentarily recognize and categorize things, its equally important to think of those labels like putting a post-it note that says "blue car" on a car that's driving slowly by. Yes, its a car, a blue car, you recognize it, gleam from it what information you can, and let it drive on. The next car that comes by may be a red one. Be open to seeing that, lest you just sit on the curb wondering about every quality of the car that's driven by.

Essentially, I think its another lesson in what is Ego, and how do I let go of it? I had a friend once who was defined by her illness. She never left her house, except at 3:30 in the morning, she'd come out on her porch and smoke a clove. I met her through her husband, who was a composer. I did some voice over work for him, his studio was in his home, and I met his beautiful, luminescent, willowy wife. We became great friends, but she was only around at night.

"Why don't you want to meet me at the Cafe?" I asked one day.

"Oh! Because I'm an introvert." she said cheerfully. She had developed agoraphobia, and with her diagnosis, knowing who she was, having defined herself carefully, she stayed inside. Her past said she was introverted, depressed and agoraphobic, and so, clinging to that diagnosis as a "read out" of her Ego: who she was, she followed the rules of being that person.

What if it didn't matter who you were yesterday, or who you'd be tomorrow? What if, in the now, you were whoever you are in this moment, free, flowing, like water over rock, present, and accepting.

Just keep pedaling, just keep pedaling...

Lets be honest. Its been a tough week. Tom and I are doin' the best we can to navigate some very tricky waters while being respectful and kind to each other. That takes a TON of emotional energy on both of our parts. I have spent a lot of this week in tears. And that's okay. Because what we are dealing with is really hard, and tears are warranted.

The cool thing? At the beginning of our conversation yesterday, Tom asked me if I was still going to go on my training ride in a few hours. I said yes, because just because I am feeling bad is not a good reason not to train. What if I am feeling bad on the day of tryouts? I'll still need to perform.

Two hours later when my eyes were all puffy and bloodshot and I just wanted to go lay down in bed, I told Tom I didn't want to go on my ride anymore. He looked at me and said, "None of this is going to be solved in the next ten minutes. Go on your ride, you'll feel better, and you'd regret it if you didn't."

Fresh perspective, and care, even in this situation. He was, of course, right, and I went on the ride with David and Jill and Travis, and we had a ball, and I'm a LOT stronger than I was when I did it with Michael earlier this year. Which was exciting to find out.

When I got home, I was muddy and a little tired, happy, sweaty and feeling much much better. The same problems were still there, but the fact that they can exist with real life as it continues to happen feels more like sanity to me. Thanks for keeping your head, Tom, and putting me back on track.

NOW, why the heck am I riding a bike?

Jill and I have decided to train our butts off for the next month and see if we can learn to Mtn. Bike well enough to ride from Aspen to Crested Butte with Kurt, to kick off Nick Herrin's new season in his new home with a BANG! WHEW!

To do this, I need some bike handling skills. Yesterday, I practiced lofting my tires, and I did okay. I rode down some gnarly stuff just fine. I rode up some stuff I couldn't before, and I stayed on and kept pedaling when I thought I should put my foot down (BOY do I know how Ethan feels right now!!)

I need to work hard to be able to ride UP a lot more stuff, learning the balance point and how to keep power on the front tire. Its getting better, but I have a long way to go, and only a month to get there!

Depression and the Beginner's Mind

As I was hiking up the M trail in Bozeman last night, I was thinking about depression. A lot of people in my life suffer from it, and we have all felt the effects of it at one time or another in our lives.

I think one of the most insidious aspects to depression, or depressed behavior, is that a part of you wishes you could just stop feeling bad, so you could stop procrastinating, and get on with your life. But because you feel it is silly, or stupid to even be having trouble, you get down on yourself.

We all procrastinate when the task in front of us looks monumental. We all hide from the thing we should be doing, and do the thing we want to be doing first. Sometimes, we can't do ANYTHING, because we are actually in the grips of a depressive episode.

Here is an example: You are laying in bed, feeling terrible. This kind of depression was described to me once as a series of heavy, wet, cold, wool blankets that are wrapped and piled on top of you. You know the world is out there, you know you should be participating in it, but the blankets are so heavy, stifling and overwhelming that you can't move, let alone participate in your life.

I have been fortunate enough to have had several friends in my life trust me to be with them while they are struggling through this kind of crippling pain. To a person, they all hated themselves for their inability to just turn it off and get on with their lives. They all had an amazing ability to be critical of themselves, and judge themselves harshly in the moment. ("I am so lame. I should just get up. Other people are out there going to the grocery store, how come I can't even get my ass off the bed?? I suck. I am lazy.")

Let's put this in perspective for just a moment. If you had a student in skiing who was talking like that, what would your hopes for their ability to master the basic skills be? Pretty low, right? Because they are unwilling to see that they might have the potential to make a different choice, to be open to change, to be willing to be proud of themselves as they struggle through these challenging situations.

Laying in bed and judging yourself harshly for not being able to do what you can normally do when you are not depressed is NOT helpful! It does not move you toward the goal of moving out of the depressive episode. On the contrary, it underlines and gives power to all the "magic thoughts" that are keeping you in bed.

Last year, I really really wanted to ski bumps and powder (and especially powdery bumps!), and ski them well, and fast. But while I was getting much better at skiing in general, I lacked the skill set to effortlessly play in the minefield that is bump skiing. It was an enormous, hugely concentrated effort to get down that line without hurting or killing myself, and I was exhausted just standing at the top and looking at what I had to tackle.

It was unrealistic to be upset with myself while I was attempting this, because I am new at doing this. I don't have an ingraned skill set that can bridge the gap from the begining of the situation to exiting at the end.

Depression is the same. When you are in the grips of a depressive episode, you lack the skill set to enter life effortlessly. It is UNREALISTIC when you are a BEGINNER at caring for yourself through your depression, or depressed day, to think that you should be able to just tell yourself to hop out of bed, get dressed, go into town, talk to people, run errands, and get some exercise. And why wouldn't it be? Those are BIG BUMPS!

Now, there is the argument that because you have that skill set MOST of the time, it should be no different when you are feeling badly. That you are just not following through with what you know you should do. But if you are normally able to get out of bed and get on with your life, and today, you aren't... it's obviously not the same situation. If you are feeling like you are going to have a panic attack if you take a shower, obviously, we are operating in a different psychological space than on a day when you are feeling healthy.

I propose a different tack. I believe that across the spectrum, from "having a crappy day" to feeling suicidal to being in the midst of a Bi-Polar Panic attack, the solution for re-entering your life in a way that makes you feel sane and human lies here:

Your job is to build a skill set that can carry you across the bridge from non-functioning to functioning. To do this, you must set aside judgement and criticsm. You must begin to act with care. You must take your wins, for things you would not normally celebrate in your every day life. Because in this situation, getting out of bed and making a cup of tea is a HUGE accomplishment. And you should thank yourself for taking that risk, for making a caring, nurturing gesture towards yourself, and that thank you, the power of a non-judgemental moment in which you care for yourself will gather impetus.

First, remove judgement, realizing that in this stage, you are a beginner, building a skill set. In that mindset, you must be hopeful that you will master a simple skill before you can move on effortlessly to more advanced maneuvers.

Second, act with compassion and love towards yourself: Make a cup of tea, put on some music, take a shower. Then, maybe you can make some food. Read a magazine. Then, maybe, you can walk outside and feel the sunshine on your skin. Breathe in the air, feel the warmth, listen for the birds and the wind in the leaves. Say thank you for these things you are doing for yourself. They are bridges towards sanity and normalcy in your day!

Third, be patient: The path to success is littered with failures! You are going to fall down on the way. Now its time to learn some trust. Find a friend who loves you anyway, even when you aren't feeling good.

Realize that these steps are NOT "Just stop being depressed" and that I am not suggesting that you just feel better. I am suggesting that the hyper-negative funnel that are depressive thoughts can be balanced a bit by a small amount of compassion and patience. You must nurture yourself through this pain, until you emerge in a place where the pain exists, but doesn't rule you.

The more often you do this, the stronger your skill set becomes to build that bridge. In this way, you build a platform in which you are willing to do the hard work. Now, if your depressive episodes happen often, and interrupt your life, its time to expand your support system and get some professional help from a great Psychologist.

Oh, boy. That's asking a lot, especially if you've been to one before and "it didn't work". But remember, a psychologist can help you do the work. They can't cure you on their own. They will help you build the skill set that you will apply. If you've been before, and it "didn't work", maybe you weren't in a place where you were ready to do the work, or face the triggers, or familial behavior that got you here in the first place.

Everyone faces days like this. Some of us get throttled by the throat by it. Some don't. Be kind to yourself as you work through it, ask yourself for a small favor, and say thank you. In this way, you can be loved into health.