Requesting your help.

If you have read this blog, and it has touched or encouraged you, please contact me at kate howe (at) mac (dot) com (all one word). I could use your help on a project!

Thanks!
Kate

Room Mate Needed!

Looking for a room mate in Aspen! Live in a 2 bedroom cabin with me and my two boys, 3 minutes from Highlands Ski Area on the T Lazy 7 Ranch!

8 minutes to town! Looking for a possible room mate to share a cabin on a stream in the woods with me and my kids! $750 - 1000 a month, includes a parking spot. NOT on bus route, 4wd is a good idea. Beautiful mountain living. Fireplace. Family. Good food. No TV watchers, we don't have TV and don't want it! We do watch movies. We are more into music, games, friends, good food.

LOOK AT PICTURES OF THE PLACE HERE

Email if you are interested!!

katehowe mac com

Playing for Change

Looking for a Nanny this summer!

Our summer plans have changed at the last minute, and we are now looking for a live in sitter for the summer! YES, I am still moving to Aspen in August! But the boys won't be going to summer camp all summer, its just too expensive.

Free room and board plus $400/month, M-F 8-5pm.
2 boys, Ethan and Bodhi 5 1/2 and 7 1/2.

2 weeks paid vacation while the kids are with their grandma in California!

Limited screen time, (we do not have cable!) Prefer outdoors crunchy hippie types to look after our kiddos. Adventure hikes, rock climbing, wading in the creek, etc.

We have a dog and 2 cats, our house is tidy but not spick and span, we'd rather be playing.

We live in the Hyalite Foothills in Bozeman, MT.


Thanks very much!
Kate

email katehowe at mac dot com!

Depression and the Beginner's Mind

As I was hiking up the M trail in Bozeman last night, I was thinking about depression. A lot of people in my life suffer from it, and we have all felt the effects of it at one time or another in our lives.

I think one of the most insidious aspects to depression, or depressed behavior, is that a part of you wishes you could just stop feeling bad, so you could stop procrastinating, and get on with your life. But because you feel it is silly, or stupid to even be having trouble, you get down on yourself.

We all procrastinate when the task in front of us looks monumental. We all hide from the thing we should be doing, and do the thing we want to be doing first. Sometimes, we can't do ANYTHING, because we are actually in the grips of a depressive episode.

Here is an example: You are laying in bed, feeling terrible. This kind of depression was described to me once as a series of heavy, wet, cold, wool blankets that are wrapped and piled on top of you. You know the world is out there, you know you should be participating in it, but the blankets are so heavy, stifling and overwhelming that you can't move, let alone participate in your life.

I have been fortunate enough to have had several friends in my life trust me to be with them while they are struggling through this kind of crippling pain. To a person, they all hated themselves for their inability to just turn it off and get on with their lives. They all had an amazing ability to be critical of themselves, and judge themselves harshly in the moment. ("I am so lame. I should just get up. Other people are out there going to the grocery store, how come I can't even get my ass off the bed?? I suck. I am lazy.")

Let's put this in perspective for just a moment. If you had a student in skiing who was talking like that, what would your hopes for their ability to master the basic skills be? Pretty low, right? Because they are unwilling to see that they might have the potential to make a different choice, to be open to change, to be willing to be proud of themselves as they struggle through these challenging situations.

Laying in bed and judging yourself harshly for not being able to do what you can normally do when you are not depressed is NOT helpful! It does not move you toward the goal of moving out of the depressive episode. On the contrary, it underlines and gives power to all the "magic thoughts" that are keeping you in bed.

Last year, I really really wanted to ski bumps and powder (and especially powdery bumps!), and ski them well, and fast. But while I was getting much better at skiing in general, I lacked the skill set to effortlessly play in the minefield that is bump skiing. It was an enormous, hugely concentrated effort to get down that line without hurting or killing myself, and I was exhausted just standing at the top and looking at what I had to tackle.

It was unrealistic to be upset with myself while I was attempting this, because I am new at doing this. I don't have an ingraned skill set that can bridge the gap from the begining of the situation to exiting at the end.

Depression is the same. When you are in the grips of a depressive episode, you lack the skill set to enter life effortlessly. It is UNREALISTIC when you are a BEGINNER at caring for yourself through your depression, or depressed day, to think that you should be able to just tell yourself to hop out of bed, get dressed, go into town, talk to people, run errands, and get some exercise. And why wouldn't it be? Those are BIG BUMPS!

Now, there is the argument that because you have that skill set MOST of the time, it should be no different when you are feeling badly. That you are just not following through with what you know you should do. But if you are normally able to get out of bed and get on with your life, and today, you aren't... it's obviously not the same situation. If you are feeling like you are going to have a panic attack if you take a shower, obviously, we are operating in a different psychological space than on a day when you are feeling healthy.

I propose a different tack. I believe that across the spectrum, from "having a crappy day" to feeling suicidal to being in the midst of a Bi-Polar Panic attack, the solution for re-entering your life in a way that makes you feel sane and human lies here:

Your job is to build a skill set that can carry you across the bridge from non-functioning to functioning. To do this, you must set aside judgement and criticsm. You must begin to act with care. You must take your wins, for things you would not normally celebrate in your every day life. Because in this situation, getting out of bed and making a cup of tea is a HUGE accomplishment. And you should thank yourself for taking that risk, for making a caring, nurturing gesture towards yourself, and that thank you, the power of a non-judgemental moment in which you care for yourself will gather impetus.

First, remove judgement, realizing that in this stage, you are a beginner, building a skill set. In that mindset, you must be hopeful that you will master a simple skill before you can move on effortlessly to more advanced maneuvers.

Second, act with compassion and love towards yourself: Make a cup of tea, put on some music, take a shower. Then, maybe you can make some food. Read a magazine. Then, maybe, you can walk outside and feel the sunshine on your skin. Breathe in the air, feel the warmth, listen for the birds and the wind in the leaves. Say thank you for these things you are doing for yourself. They are bridges towards sanity and normalcy in your day!

Third, be patient: The path to success is littered with failures! You are going to fall down on the way. Now its time to learn some trust. Find a friend who loves you anyway, even when you aren't feeling good.

Realize that these steps are NOT "Just stop being depressed" and that I am not suggesting that you just feel better. I am suggesting that the hyper-negative funnel that are depressive thoughts can be balanced a bit by a small amount of compassion and patience. You must nurture yourself through this pain, until you emerge in a place where the pain exists, but doesn't rule you.

The more often you do this, the stronger your skill set becomes to build that bridge. In this way, you build a platform in which you are willing to do the hard work. Now, if your depressive episodes happen often, and interrupt your life, its time to expand your support system and get some professional help from a great Psychologist.

Oh, boy. That's asking a lot, especially if you've been to one before and "it didn't work". But remember, a psychologist can help you do the work. They can't cure you on their own. They will help you build the skill set that you will apply. If you've been before, and it "didn't work", maybe you weren't in a place where you were ready to do the work, or face the triggers, or familial behavior that got you here in the first place.

Everyone faces days like this. Some of us get throttled by the throat by it. Some don't. Be kind to yourself as you work through it, ask yourself for a small favor, and say thank you. In this way, you can be loved into health.

Someone STOLE John Faunce's Mtn Bike!!

PLEASE keep your eyes out for a Rocky Mountain Switch Full Suspension Mtn bike, stolen off John Faunce's porch last night. NEW Custom Long Board by Faunce as a reward!

His bike is Ammo Can Green with RED on the SIDEWALL of the tires. I'll get you a pic of the actual bike asap... but until then, it looks something like this!!

You Can't Derail my Train!

There are some things that I don't write about. As much as I want this to be a true account of my journey towards my goal, there is a tiny part of my life that I try to keep private, just for me.

HOWEVER, I want to talk a little bit about the emotional side of life, the part that isn't connected to training, or reaching your goal, but which can affect it so severely.

Whether that's a relationship, a friendship, or just your own mercurial state of emotions in flux, we can feel so totally derailed by ourselves.

Sometimes, it sneaks up on you and grabs you by the throat. Sometimes, you can see it coming and you feel powerless to stop it. I want to talk about both of these scenarios, because we can all be victims of it. You will notice that there has been a derth of posting here since Monday, and I have So much I want to share with you guys. But I got snuck up on and throttled, and floundered, flopping, trying to swim back to my computer and take windshield wipers to my eyeballs so I could focus long enough to write something, anything down.

I spent days uploading photos that should have taken an afternoon, and started but couldn't finish projects... I was listless, confused, hurt, walking in circles.

But here is the thing: I am proud that I kept trying. And that's all you can ask when you are in the midst of what feels like abject crisis. Know that this will pass, don't judge, do no harm, and know this will pass...

Breathe, focus, find a landing place, reach out to your support system (THANK YOU, Liat, Megan, Cindy and Dennis... thank you...)and try to do something normal. Even if it starts with making a cup of tea. The ritual of doing something that you can do on a day that ISN'T terrible makes the terrible day feel more normal.

Inertia is a terrible force, and fighting it is something that we all do every day. You are sitting down, staring at your television, stuck to the floor. You will tend to stay there.

Reach down inside and ask yourself to tackle NOT the entire enormous problem before you, but to tackle a task that is YOU TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. I get up off the floor. I walk to the kitchen. I make a cup of tea. I make it carefully. Then, to enjoy my tea, I want my slippers, and a fire. There's no firewood. Sitting in front of a fire would be great, but now it would require leaving my house and driving to a cafe that has a fire place.

DECISION TIME: allow that small bump to defeat me, or make a different choice? I light a candle and drink my tea. I call a friend, either to talk about whats going on, or just to hear a voice that I know loves me.

I know that I am strong. That if I can haul myself up a steep bootpack when my thighs are burning, I can overcome my disappointment at myself for not getting my DRIVERS LICENSE taken care of for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. I can ask myself to make better choices, in a caring way, and be proud of myself for making them. In this way, I can crawl out of my vortex, turn my face to the sun, and start again.

You are a human. You are going to trip and fall. Catch yourself gently and know you are loved.

Thanks for your patience, lots of posts coming today!

The Battle of the Lazy

Here is an interesting human conundrum that so many people are going through now that ski season has come to a screeching halt: everyone thinks they are lazy.

My friend Kurt thinks he is lazy. Never mind that he'll do four laps up some 3500 vertical before noon and then go ride his bike to Yoga class. He can't get his paperwork done.

I think I am lazy. Never mind that I'll plow through a pile of paperwork, run a ton of errands and clean my house, I'm lazy.

I've been getting a bunch of emails from people with post ski season let down, and I think its especially difficult this year, with everyone gearing up and up and up to the tryouts, and then having this intense tryout situation be the last day of the season, its like running 100 miles an hour into a brick wall.

So this is kind of a two fold discussion: first of all, lets address the laziness.

There is this terrific quote: Nothing is ever so difficult as when it is done reluctantly.

And this is certainly true. I watched it tonight while Ethan was trying to write his book report. I saw myself do it when I stood, staring, at the epic pile of clean laundry that needs to be put away. I watched my sister stare at the pile of tax paperwork she needs to do, and go work on something else instead.

We all have fear of tackling the big thing. We can all justify putting it off for one more day, one afternoon. Sometimes, I think this can actually be a healthy choice. Another friend of mine is incapable of play until she has crossed everything off her list. And guess what? Something gets added to the list every day, so there isn't a whole lot of play that happens.

Here's another good quote: What we do with our days is what we do with our lives.

So I guess we are searching, once again, for balance.

I think that post ski season, first, we all need to be a little loving to ourselves. We all worked really hard this year! Everyone was fit and strong, everyone was dedicated to exams and tryouts. Everyone went through an emotional ringer that was totally exhausting.

I think two weeks of decompression are in order here! What does that mean for you? Two weeks on the couch watching South Park? Two weeks with some moderate exercise and a lot of family time? Two weeks of solitude after a social season?

Give yourself a break for a bit. Its okay to decompress and be "lazy".

HOWEVER, as we are searching for balance, I'd suggest dipping your toe into the pool of accomplishment once a day, just to test the waters and see how you are feeling.

You'll have up days and down days, days in which the decisions you are making in your life will make sense, and days in which you will feel a bit lost.

Today was a mixed bag for me, I inexplicably slept until noon. This is not something I do! Bodhi was watching Power Rangers on YouTube on my computer, and I fell back to sleep, thinking I'd get a 15 minute nap. Three hours later, I woke up.

Now, I expect this, and am okay with it, if I've been busting my butt for weeks and need to recharge, or "catch up" on sleep. But random massive amounts of sleep after I've been sitting around on my butt for two weeks, hmm, that made me upset. I woke up thinking of myself as "lazy". I was angry, and cranky at myself for wasting time, not accomplishing stuff, and setting myself up to sleep late tomorrow as well.

Because of this negative criticism of myself, I set myself up to have a crappy, unproductive day. And my bad attitude rubbed off on Bodhi, as well, who picked up on my negative energy and whined, cried and moved like an anchor through molasses all day long.

How, then, to look for balance? How do I not fall down this hole?

First, I think, is forgiveness. Tolerance and forgiveness. Perhaps, my body needed to sleep, and I was unaware of it. Perhaps, I had plenty of sleep, but today, I just slept more for no reason. Do you need to solve the root problem in order to let it go? I don't think so. For whatever reason, I slept late.

When I give my performance talk, I talk a lot about things you can control and things you can't control. Can I control the fact that I slept late? No. It already happened. Can I control what I do about that going forward? You bet! I can let it inform the rest of my day, or I can look for some love in my heart and some patience for myself, let the past go and look for something positive in the next moment of my day.

This is a huge challenge sometimes, as we love to hold on to negative feelings. For some reason, humans are incredibly adept at criticism.

I have a little progression that I use to 1. Stop myself from unproductive negative criticism, 2. Get in a positive frame of mind, and 3. tackle the day in a way that salvages what is left, either in productivity, or, if that's not possible, at least in mood.

First, I think of something that Liat, my sister told me, that she learned in treatment: "This is not a catastrophe. The sinking of the Titanic was a catastrophe."

Right. Put it in perspective. Whatever. You screwed up, something didn't go how you wanted it. Let it go. Find forgiveness in your heart, and lets move on.

Second. Find your bliss. Right now. Something I do with my coaching clients is have them "Be Here Now" doing a 5 senses meditation. It takes as long, or as short as you like, and it can put you in your body right now.

Cycle through your senses:

I see. But what do you truly see? I see the grey of the snow on the hills as it slowly fades down to gree, I see the electric green of the new buds on the trees, the darker green of the pine needles. I see my hands in front of me, they are dry, brown, and I see the veins in them.

I smell. Smell is a huge memory trigger. Smell can ground you to your intimate relationship with life faster than any other sense. I smell the pizza that Tom cooked earlier. I smell the overripe mango sitting next to me, the campfire smell still on my sweatshirt. If I opened the door, I'd smell wet pavement and cut grass.

I taste. I taste the Fat Tire I am drinking! The taste is bitter and smooth at the same time, and feels different around my tongue. When you are out on snow, you can open your mouth and taste the mountain air, it tastes differently depending on where you are in the world. The air at Big Sky tastes differently than the air at Bridger Bowl.

I hear. I hear the music I am listening to, Govinda, a hypno trance Indian music, and behind that, I hear my kids talking in the bathtub, the sound of the water, I hear the fan in the other room, and the sound of the rain on the window. I hear the cat meowing.

I feel. I feel (and I am talking only about physical sensations right now, not emotional feelings. This is a taking stock of the present moment, being truly present, not analyzing how we are in this moment, just being in this moment.) I feel tense in my face, which I am now relaxing. I felt a knitted brow, which I just allowed to open, and suddenly, my face feels light. Go down your body taking stock.

Suddenly, I am here, I am present. Now, I can make a choice. Tune back into the critical voice that wants to beat me up for all the ways in which I feel I failed myself today, or make a choice to move forward into positivity. I don't know about you, but I'd rather get another shot at a great day.

If tuning into your body made you present, but isn't what brings you bliss, ask yourself over the next few weeks to find things that fill you with a sense of well being. You need things that are almost instant, things that take ten minutes, things that take an hour, and things that take all day.

My instant one is the sensation of the weather on my skin, all alone. So I take a moment and go outside, around the corner from my family, and feel the sunshine on my face. Or the rain. And I breathe in the air, and I feel myself filling up. Sometimes, depending on how tough the day is, this isn't enough for bliss, and I move on to my ten minute one. A chapter of a book in peace. Finding peace in a house full of boys can be challenging. Sometimes its hugging my boys and building a Lego ship with them for a few minutes. It depends on the day.

After I feel like I've touched something positive, I always feel more grounded, and less like things are or could be hopeless. The downward spiral has been checked. Now, I look at my choices: I can tackle the things I am "Supposed" to do, or I can do something that refills my emotional vessel. When we do things that disappoint us, it also depletes us.

I usually choose to do something short and constructive, so I feel like I can cross it off my list. Checking my email and responding to short questions is something I can do relatively quickly, and it makes me feel like I am on the ball. Email for others is a time trap, so make choices based on you and how you usually respond. Can you go online and pay two bills? Can you do your dishes? Ask yourself for a half hour of productivity.

Then, take your win! You got something done. OH, here is the critic again: yes, lots of people get stuff done. Yes, lots of people always have their dishes done and their laundry put away and their taxes paid. But we aren't talking about lots of people, we are talking about you doing something for you that was challenging. Say thanks, and say good job.

Now, you've gotten started. You have a choice: continue on the productivity path, or give yourself an hour or two of refill time: a hike, a run, a bike, playtime with kids, a book in the hammock... whatever it is that counterbalances the 'mistake" of the morning, and helps you feel that you are moving forward.

We all suffer from inertia. You can choose to literally get the ball rolling and then follow the path. Once you've started, its SOOO much easier to keep going! To keep laying in bed, to keep watching tv, to keep cleaning, to keep at the paperwork, to keep hiking up that steep hill...

Be patient with yourself. It takes practice to find balance. It will take a lifetime of practice. Ask yourself if the harsh criticism of the fact that you've gained weight (Wow, I got 18 emails after I posted that from other people who also have gained between 5 and 15 pounds after ski season ended!) is going to help solve the problem. Probably not. Getting proactive in a manageable way is at least moving in the right direction!

Here's a quick PS on this one... Lots of times, when we have a monumental task, like cleaning a house we've been ignoring or unpacking after being on the road forever, or handling bills and taxes, we think: First, I have to clean my house or workspace, then I have to get organized. Then, I have to tackle this entire thing all at once.

I think very few people have the 14 hours straight that they need to get all orgainzed and on the ball before they can tackle a big task. It is easier to work in a clean environment, that's true. But if your issue is that you have something that you need to do, and you can't seem to NOT procrastinate while you are heading towards it, give yourself a break. Just work the task at hand for a managable amount of time. Chances are that once you are in it, you'll be able to keep going. Chances are that you can focus if you ask yourself to, even if your workspace is a bit messier than you'd like.

If its truly a catastrophe, take your paperwork to the coffee shop, and get'er dun!

So right now, I choose to let go of my excessive sleep, take wins for getting some errands done, even though I didn't tackle the big thing I needed to do, drink my beer, and go snuggle my kids. I have tomorrow. And the day after that. And those days will be good, and productive. And I look forward to them!

Please Feed The Beast!

So, the season at Bridger is ending shortly, which means the kids are with a sitter at almost $500/wk. Gulp. I've paid for my exams (yes, both of them, I've decided to attend the 3!!) but I still have to pay for travel to Aspen, Vail, Snowbird, and the second half of Academy. It doesn't look like I will be able to swing Mammoth, as my family can't come with me, and my traveling partners can't afford to go.

I'm gonna try and get some stuff up on Ebay this week, but if anyone has any ideas for fundraising, or babysitting, let me know! We are SO close!!!

Anyone wanna buy a painting? Or need a sculpture?? Or want me to give the performance talk?

Thanks for your help and suggestions!!

Kate

Anyone going to Lost Trail March 29 and 30?

I am looking for rideshare and hotel to split. Leaving night of the 28th, returning night of the 30th.

Any one have a copy of this book?

Hey, I'm dyin' to read this book, anyone have a copy? Its $80 on Amazon!

*** UPDATE***
Thanks for the loaner, Ric!!

Please TACKLE the kid that stole my backpack!

Yesterday, after skiing the ridge with Tom, I left my pack on the backpack holder at the bottom of the Bridger lift. It was a new Black Diamond Covert with Avalung, the yellow one. It had my nice quick deploy black diamond shovel in it, my new life link probe, my wallet, my sunglasses, my food card, extra gloveliners... etc in it. Its the only yellow avalung up there. If you see anyone hiking with a pack like this, please tackle them and tell them that they walked off with an entire paycheck worth of stuff, and to please give it back to me NOW!

We are going to think of this as a challenge, rather than a crisis.

Anyone want to babysit? My mom was going to come to watch the kids whilst I nipped off to D Team Tryout Training Camp, however, my favorite Aunt, (my mom's sister) is gravely ill, and my mom will be in Arizona caring for her in a hospice situation.

I am thinking that perhaps we can patch together a day of volunteer babysitting one day at a time... I know this sounds insane, but I'd like to give it a crack and see if anyone is up to the challenge.

I want to go to this clinic specifically, because I will then have four years to practice all the things that we do in the simulated try out, and, of course, we won't have this opportunity again until the next tryout cycle, in four years.

I have someone to drive with, I've raised almost half the money, and I'm in shape to go (well, we'll see...) but...

So it can be enormously beneficial to my training to go... however, I don't have the $150 bucks a day it takes to hire someone to watch the kids, and I want to be sure that this is fun and exciting for them, like when my mom comes to visit, and not horrible and traumatic for both them and my husband.

Well, here's where we see what happens when motherhood and training collide!

Let me know if you are up for watching the little hellions for a day, and lets try to fill in the calendar.

Race Camp:
(I'd love to go, but it is not essential)
Babysitting needed:
7:30 am to 5:15 pm
August 7,8,9

D-Team Tryout Training Camp
7:30 am to 5:15 pm
August 10

And on the weekend just to hang with Tom and make it easier and more fun for him (not as crucial)
10:00am to whenever
August 11, 12

And then again on Monday for the last day of D-Team Training Tryout Camp:
7:30am to 5:15pm
August 13

And on Tuesday while I drive home:
7:30am until I get home
August 14

The Team Grows

I've started therapy! So excited! I have procured the services of Dr. Marvin Backer, PhD, PA, Hypnotherapist, Psychologist... this should be interesting! I thought and thought about weather to share this stuff on my blog or not, and I decided that whilst my peers read this site, many others do as well, and I'd like to present an honest picture of what it takes to try and break into the elite in a sport.

I had an obstacle to my success, a tendency to sabotage myself when I am close to success, and I want to make sure that I do every thing I can to remove obstacles in my path.

When I first started this endeavor back in March, Shannon and I wrote up a list that looked like this:

Game Plan to the D Team:
1. Define Obstacles and Impediments

(and then we listed them all, for me they were things like: health, age, injury, etc)

2. Remove each obstacle or impediment to clear the path to success.

So as new impediments come to light, my job is to figure out how to remove them, making my path to success easier and easier. In this way, the one or two impediments that I can't remove become less of a factor, as I am stronger in every other sense. For instance, I can't help the fact that I am 36. But I can help how lean, strong, fit, happy, healthy I am. And this reduces the age issue by a significant amount (we hope!!)

So we arrive at the fact that I am tripping myself up, currently using food as a sabotaging element, but sometimes doing other things. I don't want to get close and have this negative behavior stand in my way. Enter Dr. Marvin Backer, PhD.

We are going to begin excavating Kate to figure out why I do the things that don't help. I am so excited!

I asked Michael what he wanted me to come back with in the fall, and he said first and foremost he wanted me healthy.

Healthy, Great Balance, Strong, In Shape. In that order. Healthy has to be in the head, too, so Dr. Backer, welcome to the team, and GOOD LUCK!

Want to ski, want to ski, want to ski

So... everything is melting! And I can't find anyone to ski with! Ahhhh! If you are out there, and you don't mind hiking for snow... email me... Beartooths... wherever... before its all gone!