Friday, June 6, 2008
You Can't Derail my Train!
There are some things that I don't write about. As much as I want this to be a true account of my journey towards my goal, there is a tiny part of my life that I try to keep private, just for me.
HOWEVER, I want to talk a little bit about the emotional side of life, the part that isn't connected to training, or reaching your goal, but which can affect it so severely.
Whether that's a relationship, a friendship, or just your own mercurial state of emotions in flux, we can feel so totally derailed by ourselves.
Sometimes, it sneaks up on you and grabs you by the throat. Sometimes, you can see it coming and you feel powerless to stop it. I want to talk about both of these scenarios, because we can all be victims of it. You will notice that there has been a derth of posting here since Monday, and I have So much I want to share with you guys. But I got snuck up on and throttled, and floundered, flopping, trying to swim back to my computer and take windshield wipers to my eyeballs so I could focus long enough to write something, anything down.
I spent days uploading photos that should have taken an afternoon, and started but couldn't finish projects... I was listless, confused, hurt, walking in circles.
But here is the thing: I am proud that I kept trying. And that's all you can ask when you are in the midst of what feels like abject crisis. Know that this will pass, don't judge, do no harm, and know this will pass...
Breathe, focus, find a landing place, reach out to your support system (THANK YOU, Liat, Megan, Cindy and Dennis... thank you...)and try to do something normal. Even if it starts with making a cup of tea. The ritual of doing something that you can do on a day that ISN'T terrible makes the terrible day feel more normal.
Inertia is a terrible force, and fighting it is something that we all do every day. You are sitting down, staring at your television, stuck to the floor. You will tend to stay there.
Reach down inside and ask yourself to tackle NOT the entire enormous problem before you, but to tackle a task that is YOU TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. I get up off the floor. I walk to the kitchen. I make a cup of tea. I make it carefully. Then, to enjoy my tea, I want my slippers, and a fire. There's no firewood. Sitting in front of a fire would be great, but now it would require leaving my house and driving to a cafe that has a fire place.
DECISION TIME: allow that small bump to defeat me, or make a different choice? I light a candle and drink my tea. I call a friend, either to talk about whats going on, or just to hear a voice that I know loves me.
I know that I am strong. That if I can haul myself up a steep bootpack when my thighs are burning, I can overcome my disappointment at myself for not getting my DRIVERS LICENSE taken care of for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. I can ask myself to make better choices, in a caring way, and be proud of myself for making them. In this way, I can crawl out of my vortex, turn my face to the sun, and start again.
You are a human. You are going to trip and fall. Catch yourself gently and know you are loved.
Thanks for your patience, lots of posts coming today!