Wow, what a day. Here we are. I am skiing better. I am below the level 3 standard. One of my coaches thinks I should keep driving hard and that I have a shot, one thinks it would be a bad idea to go if I'm not gonna blow the doors off of it, and I'm probably not.
Lots of Level 3 candidates take their exam two or three times, and I'd like to be able to go, thinking of it as a 3 day clinic, a great learning experience, and a way to know where I am vs. where the standard is.
There is the idea of having mastery. I have heard over and over from lots of people that if I have the best two days of skiing in my life and pass, it will be a very bad thing, because then I can get in to teaching situations that are actually above me. This I don't want. But I am feeling better and better on steeper, gnarlier, ickier terrain. I skied big turns in South Bowl and North Bowl. Not GS, but I'm getting faster and more confident.
I am just stuck. If I put my head down, focus and train, and try for it, am I being stubborn and pig headed and not listening? Or am I believing in myself and training through adversity?
In the last two weeks, I've been in the toughest emotional situation I've been in since my dad died. And I skied the best I've ever skied. So I can perform in adversity. But someone telling me I won't make it nearly destroys me. So I challenged myself today to ski really well even though I felt destroyed. And I felt off, but still skied well, I thought, even in challenging snow.
What do I do? Should I take the exam in a different division? Should I keep working for it? Should I get realistic and just take the three next year? Should I take the 3 to get the experience and not worry about what people might think about why I am trying?
I love training. I love working hard. I love good criticism, I love being told, "This is what I am seeing, this is what I want to see" and coming back a few days later with it fixed, or improved and wanting more. I want to keep that up, I want to drive hard, because there is no worse feeling than wondering what you COULD have accomplished if you had only tried your hardest.
But is that okay at the expense of what other people are feeling? Am I an unrealistic bull dozer? Is my desire to work as hard as I can offensive? Am I working in a world of stupidity over here, not listening to what wiser people are telling me? And what about the people that are telling me to go for it?