Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I Finished Something!
Today was the last day of school. I walked out of my business class, glad to be heading home, and realized that suddenly, I won't have homework anymore. I won't be in class three days a week. I can come home and relax, I don't have a million deadlines hanging over my head (from school) which means I can start knocking stuff off my list of other obligations and projects! (After I take a 10 day vacation in which I do nothing but hike and sleep...)
For the last year, my schedule has been insane, up at six, school all day, giving massage until 11 at night, home to study until 2 or so in the morning.
During the ski season, I was on the hill the four days I wasn't in school, and struggling to find balance with my kids while training to pass my level 3 exam.
I knew it would only be for a year, and I suspected that I could do it, if I had help and encouragement and support.
A few other wrenches were thrown in the mix unexpectedly, a bad car accident in October, the repercussions of which I am still dealing with, the fact that going through a divorce with Tom was harder than either of us expected, even though we've been apart for almost two years now.
There were a few broken bones in the mix, a torn meniscus, a broken heart... there were adventures and summits and successes, articles published and mountains climbed and stairs skied and steeps as well.
There was body work and unfolding, there were tattoos and self realization and healing and growth. Friendships were forged and strengthened, and my path, always becoming clearer, seems crystal clear to me now.
To suddenly realize, as I zipped my backpack for the last time today, that I've been trying to graduate from college for nearly twenty years, and today, I did it, was something else.
Yes, its a one year vocational school. Its not a four year program. But its something.
This year, I proved to myself that I can, that I have the capacity, in spite of the odds, to prevail. I am capable of starting and finishing something without shelving it and coming back to it later. I am capable of saying no to things that pull me off my path, I'm okay with honoring my path so that I can accomplish something, without fear of disappointing others.
I finished. This year, I accomplished four big goals without pause. I graduated from school. I was published in a magazine. I passed my level 3. I was hired at Aspen Mountain.
And most importantly, I found a way to grow into the beginnings of who I might become, and that person is capable of loving and giving to my kids without limit, and that feels really good.
Its almost shocking to me to look back at this year and realize that it happened, that it went well, that I didn't drop out or change my goals, but that I made the map for where I needed to go, and with A LOT of help and support from my family and friends, I did it.
Part of me feels a ping of regret that I didn't know this about myself sooner, I wonder what I could have accomplished if I'd known how to be strong enough to stay the course, in skating, in acting, in sculpture, in painting, in climbing, in medicine...
But what I realize now is that all of those experiences in my life were leading me to today. I use things I learned in all of those fields in my massage and coaching practice every day. I wasn't able to finish before because I wasn't able to see myself, to be myself without apology, but with compassion for those around me and for myself.
As I've traveled this journey for the last three years, and the last year, especially, I've learned that there is a way to care for the people in your life, nurture them and love them and give to them, but not to the detriment of your dreams. Finding that balance allows me to give as much as I can, and still have enough to take one more step up the mountain for me.
Thank you everyone for your love and support and belief in me, I can't wait to get my diploma on Saturday and then live the next chapter down in Aspen!!