Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Its not a total trainwreck...

Alright, so I've been wanting and wanting to write about several things, and I've been avoiding them, because for the first time, I'm not sure what things I should share and what things I should keep in my own private space.

But I did promise that this would be an accurate accounting of what happens on my journey to the D Team tryouts, and here we are, on the verge of yet another significant step, moving to Colorado for ski season, with a bunch of significant challenges standing in the way.

So here's the update.

I'm leaving for Colorado on October 24. I have three good jobs waiting for me when I get there. Two jobs giving massage at the Aspen Club and Spa, and at the St. Regis, and one teaching skiing on Ajax. Dream jobs. I worked hard to get them, and I'm lucky and grateful to have them.

So here we are, three weeks out, and I find myself in a bit of a stuck place. I can't get an apartment until I have first, last, and security saved up. I was counting on us selling our house to have that, but Tom was not in a place where he felt good about following through with selling at that time. So then we talked about finishing the remodel and refinancing while the rates were low, and I'd move on that, but that hasn't happened, either.

So then I talked about just doing a TON of massage and saving up, and that was going well, I was able to pay my bills, which made me feel like I'd be able to start saving a bit...

And then I took a vacation to Whitefish (which essentially only cost me the gas to get there, thanks to a big box of granola, some loose change in my car, and Mike taking very good care of all of us.) This vacation was SORELY needed, after the big year of working for the three and getting through school, running a business and going through a divorce, to mention just a few things, I needed a rest. And it did amazing things for me. I felt my energy come back up, I felt connected and hopeful about the direction my life was going.

And then I came back to Bozeman, and realized that for the first time since February, I'm not booked. Now that's probably due in part to the fact that going through the divorce and occasionally having to reschedule folks as we work out the whole "who is watching the kids" issue, and taking time off to take vacation, I've put a dent in my business.

So here we are. To get to work in Colorado, I have to take the National Certification Exam (about $275), and the Colorado State Board (about the same). So in order to get to work at my excellent jobs that are waiting for me in CO, I need to come up with around $700 (to be able to take the practice tests, and pay my fees, etc, that's what it comes out to).

But, I also owe rent at my massage space, about a grand to Firestone because the car broke down on a ski trip, and a bunch of money to the hospital for my skiing related broken bones from last year.

So I'm incurring debt because I'm under-booked, (albeit recharged and excited to work), and spinning my wheels unable to climb out of this financial hole because the house isn't being sold or refinanced. So its hard to come up with $700 for the exam, $5000 to move, and the balance of what I owe to clear my name and credit.

I've found myself having a hard time getting back into the swing of things training, my eating has gone haywire, I'm not sleeping at night, the kids are scared to go to sleep and aren't staying asleep when we are in Bozeman.

I feel like I'm three weeks from a good income and a more peaceful, drama free life (it will be much easier when Tom and I aren't sharing a house anymore), but getting there feels like the steepest mountain I've ever climbed.

But here's the thing. There is a way out. This is not the time to sit down and say, "Oh, well. This is too hard." Because it isn't too hard. I'm going to see if I can be on call for some of the local spas for the next three weeks to earn some extra cash. I need to clear my bill with EBay, then I'll sell the baby clothes and cloth diapers, and that should help.

Tom and I are RE doing our divorce agreement and paperwork this week, as well as trying to figure out what the custody arrangement will be. Its a lot, but its essential to get it done.

So. Here's my plan:

I feel like I'm climbing out of the training hole, with the help of Mike, who has been pushing me a bit, I'm out hiking again. My ribs are healing, and it doesn't bother me to get out and get after it with that going on. I'm five days on training, so I feel good about that.

Admitting that I needed help to get after it again in training was hard for me, training is my favorite thing to do, and working toward this goal of getting a job on the D Team is pretty easy to stay enthused about. Hitting snags like this is frustrating at best, and I tend to think I should be enough to get me through it. The lesson for me here, and one I want to write a little more about, is that we all need support. I need to listen to the people that are there to help. Mike told me gently to remember what's important. He told me that I needed to hike, because I need to train, because I want to ski hard. So I did. Thanks, Mike.

I have found that this follows a pattern, when I'm up in Whitefish, I'm doing great. When I'm feeling on track, I'm going great. When I'm stressed, feel backed up against the wall, and trapped, I tend to wander into the kitchen at 11:30 at night and stay up till 4am.

This is a pretty clear sign that things are too stressful. The way to fix this is to make a plan to tackle the things that are stressing me out one thing at a time, remove the drama and reach for balance.

I think this is an indication that things are out of balance, and I had been doing a good job looking for growth and balance. So I'm committing to myself to find some grace and compassion, ease the issues a bit, bite off just enough, chew it, and move on.

I'll be in Colorado on Oct 24. With the exam a done deal. I'll be sleeping on Dennis's couch, but if he's willing to have me, that's helped quite a bit with the crushing deadline of finding a place right off the bat.

1 comment:

Jacqueline Rockman said...

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