|I'm really, really, really attached to you.|
I like to be in love. I love to feel the feeling of a big love like a tidal wave filling my heart and overflowing all over the place. Because of this, I've always wondered, how do you reconcile being in love, with being unattached?
I don't want to be unattached, I want to be firmly attached to someone that I love. I studied attachment parenting, I've read a book called "Hold me Tight" all about taking the concepts of attachment parenting into adult relationships, creating a strong and stable attachment that is trustworthy and safe.
So have I stalled my progress? Can I go no further unless I take the vows of a nun and live a life of unattached bliss and celibacy?
Don't get me wrong, I've thought about it. I've thought of shaving my head and taking the vows and moving back to the monastery in Nepal where I first had my heart cracked open.
But I don't think that's my path right now.
Yesterday, I was laying in shavassana in yoga, trying to live in the space in between the thoughts rather than being captive of them. And suddenly, I had this big unfolding, and plugging in in my brain, like a huge power strip suddenly coming on line between my heart and my head.
I think that letting go of attachment allows you to love deeper, because the human stories that we tell ourselves are out of the way. I think you can love bigger and deeper and with more trust when you let go of needing to be attached.
Attached that is to the story. I don't think that we fall in and out of love. I don't feel the love go away that I've felt for someone. I find myself flowing without the idea of needing return, and I think this might be the beginning of non attachment.
We all need to be loved, we all need to feel love in our lives. But I think that when you are living in a place of compassion that starts with your own person, you are free to shine your light on whomever you choose, because its not attached, you aren't attached to the idea of owning or controlling that person.
I got confused for a while here, does this mean that there is no safety or security? I want to be in a monogamous exclusive loving relationship. I know lots of folks don't think thats possible for humans, but I do.
I don't want the idea of attachment to mean lack of commitment, or living in an "open" relationship. And I don't think it does. I think it means that if I am honoring my practice, if I am working hard to live with integrity and compassion all the time, to let go of fear and to be here, now, I can see my partner with clear eyes, no veil, no interruption, the conduit between us becomes clear and unclogged and the connection becomes thunderous, like a river flowing fast both ways.
And because I am human, I get attached to that feeling, which adds constriction. But when I am mindful of my practice and I let go of needing to own that connection in a way that I can pin down and make mine, it opens, increases and the gift of love magnifies.
What a lesson this is. I feel like I am standing with my toes in the water looking. Might as well swim!