Thursday, November 4, 2010
Strong Enough in Every Way
Having this goal out there three years ago started me down the path with a therapist who I hired because I wanted to make sure that I didn't indulge in any sabotaging behaviors and keep myself from doing my best.
Along the way, I have discovered so many challenges to my person, and the carrot of the tryout helped me at first to be willing to look at my own shit and decide to swallow my pride and make the changes that needed making.
This took the lid off of an avalanche of becoming. The team, the tryout is no longer the carrot for the becoming, I'm addicted to shedding so that I can become more of me, a better me, a more content me. A better mom, a more reliable worker, a dependable teacher, a good partner, a better daughter, a better friend.
Regional tryouts are in May. I have work to do, I have work to get my body stronger, work to get my feet there, work to pass my Trainer's Accred both in house and for PSIA, notes from the Diamond team to look at and practice, I have work to do.
You know what I'm excited about? The work that surrounds that. I'm working on getting more organized so that the people in my world can count on me. I'm working on priorities so that the work that needs to get done gets done (Hellooooo I haven't written a magazine article in almost a year! And I have requests for more than six! Kate! Get on it!).
I'm working on getting on top of my schedule so that my kids feel really supported in school, so that I show up to those parent-y things that you are supposed to show up for (really? three a week? WOW). I'm working on integrating laundry and dishes and cupcake making with writing and returning phone calls and all that grown up business.
I've asked my therapist, Amy, to help me be more consistent and proactive with my accountability, responsibility and timeliness. This is the new project. The next layer to peel. Ostensibly, its because to be a good candidate for the team, or to be a great employee for Ski Co (where I LOVE to work), my boss and team mates in Ski Co need to know that they can count on me. But really, its just what needs learning now. And I have the impetus to do it because I want to be better at my job. All my jobs. Mom, Partner, Teacher, Massage Therapist, Writer, whatever.
And so its time to get to work. I've been on this track for about three weeks now, and every week it gets better. My body is getting stronger, I'm writing more, there are less loose ends, and WAY more things to stay on top of. (I've noticed, for instance, that when you start returning phone calls, people call you back again, and then you have to return that call, and maybe an email to boot...)
Its a different way of living for me, I'm a bit of a present-moment person, and I don't like to worry about whats coming the day after tomorrow. I've always liked not knowing what time it was or what day of the week it was, or even, sometimes, what month it was. I could pull it together for one job, but I think I've lived in fear that if I schedule, I will realize how little time I have, and be forced to put down some dreams that didn't seem unrealistic when I didn't realize how little time I had.
How's that for head in the sand mentality? Its time to let that go. On November 29, I am going to be a mother to five kids, and have six months to regional tryouts.
To get those kids where they need to go, feeling supported, and to get me where I need to go, so I don't forget boots or skis or passport, so that the folks who are counting on me can feel easy that I am reliable, its time to change the way things are done a little.
I wrote on my mirror tonight in soap: How Strong?
Strong in every way. Strong in mind, in spirit, in body, in integrity, in compassion. And in calendar. I am iCal, hear me ROAR!!!