Its an interesting exercise, for sure, to be present in this moment and not wish it was any different than it is. Sometimes, I'm more successful than others.
I don't spend time wishing my neck wasn't injured, I've been facing that one for a few years, and its become a fact that just is. And looking at how to keep living, and living full and well, has been the task, rather than wishing that it didn't hurt.
I do think that over the years when the doctors told me that I probably would eventually need surgery as the disc continued to degrade, especially if I couldn't do things like Pilates and Yoga on a regular basis, I believed "someday" was, you know... some day. Not, like, next week.
So I have some renewed sympathy for my friend Andy who went through this, and who was told, wow, we are operating on you tomorrow. Talk about an abrupt adjustment.
And that's nothing to a couple of my friends who went from walking, and talking and climbing to living permanently in a wheel chair in a matter of seconds.
So I'm not feeling too sorry for myself, but I am sort of wandering around watching myself adjust to these new ideas about how my body is now in this moment, how it will be in ten days, and four days after that, and two weeks after that, and six weeks after that, and three months after that.
I feel like if we were entering ski season now, I am entering it with more strength, endurance, better balance, focus and a softer, more playful energy. I feel so grounded in my family, with my kids, with my relationships, I don't feel like I'm wondering and chasing answers. I feel like I just am.
But then there is this thing, that the muscles in and around my thumb and shoulder are atrophying, and it brings with it this knowledge that its not a good thing for the motor nerve to be impinged.
So, first, we'll go get that fixed. Then, we'll heal and put skis on.
The head games in this place are funny, they all start with "what if", which is a form of wishing, or projecting, or not being present. What if I get fat, what if I get weak, what if i lose all my body has learned, what if it hurts more than i can handle? What if I wake up and I'm such a pain to be around that I lose those I depend on? What if I'm so much of a pain to be around that I can't stand to be around me? What if the pain killers don't work? What if they work too well? What if I'm all alone? (When has that ever been a bad lesson to learn?)
Of course so many of these questions are fantasy, projections of a fearful human mind trying to predict the outcome of something that is a bit beyond its comprehension. Really? You are going to cut my neck open and use a saw on my spine after you take a huge plug out of my hip and I'll be skiing in six weeks? For real?
Quite possibly. Breathe out. Let whatever happens, will happen. In the meantime, I'm so grateful to have found that I have a family here in Aspen that is so much bigger than I ever knew.
02Aspen has been amazing, offering me the Pilates room, and Jen, one of their awesome Pilates instructors, has agreed to help strengthen me every day until surgery, and then help get me strong and back on my feet after.
While I was there today, I had a wonderful visit with some of my girlfriends who work there, and got treated to a nice spa treatment by the incredible Darcy.
I left thinking, wow, these little things that we do for each other make a difference in whether we feel boyancy or fear. There are so many more pressing issues than whether I have nicely sculpted brows or not going into surgery, but feeling clean, and cared for before hand took up some of the time in which my monkey mind wants to wonder, and made a space where I felt really cared for.
So I'm ten days out. I'm trying to find milestones along the way that include getting projects done for the ski season, getting ink done on my tattoo, getting my house clean, getting to walk holding hands along the river. Getting to yoga and Pilates because the help is there and i feel like I am making a positive choice towards how strong I am when I go in.
Thank you to my friends for your support and love and care, I am so very grateful to you.