Monday, September 17, 2007

Back in the Saddle Again

I have to be honest, here, I was worried! I knew that I was going to face certain challenges trying to build a great training regimen that would allow me to be strong and fit enough to perform my best, and learn the techniques I need to in skiing quickly.

I was thinking that my biggest challenge, (and my biggest excuse in the past), was that I have kids, they take a lot of time, babysitting is expensive, I wanted to be a good mom and not farm them out to daycare so I could go work out. Yet I wanted to honor my desire to do something special, difficult, and important. I wanted ot be my own person and still care for them in an extraordinary way.

Over time, especially since I went to Academy, Tom and I seem to have solved that problem. He realized he could handle the kids on his own, and I realized that it is important for me to be a person on my own and separate from my family, yet still a part of it. (Jill and I were just talking about how hard this can be for a person who grew up being the care giver, mediator, healer, whatever... to know that you have worth just for yourself, and to act on it in what feels a selfish way, but what is really just you taking care of yourself, rather than putting everyone else's needs first to the detriment of your own wants and desires.

Sometimes, it is still an issue. The kids get sick, or Tom is in a stressful time at work, and when it is an issue, I feel that it is temporary, and therefore okay. I can be the giver and the helper and the healer when I am needed. But I can step away, now, as well, and be myself. It also helps that in the last six months, they have both grown up so much! Ethan is in school full time and he LOVES it.

Bodhi is having trouble adjusting, and I am taking him out of his evil pre-school, and he'll just be with me until an opening comes up at a new one. I was worried this would spark another hole in my training, but I managed to train before he was in school, so I am sure I will figure it out this time, as well.

The thing that threw me off my training this time around was not the kids, or my mom-ness.It was just Life. Just stuff. You know. My sister needed some help and love, and I was happy to give it to her. I knew it would impact my training, but she is someone I was willing to make that sacrifice for. And all the while, I was watching film, and reading, and trying to keep a part of me focused on returning to training, like a book mark.

I had no idea at the time that it would lead to a two and a half month dearth of training. But more life happened after Liat's situation, we had house guests, with their own troubles, and so I gave myself to them, and then my Auntie died... and now we are backed up on life maintenance issues, bills, healthcare issues, house stuff, our clean, ordered, well balanced life that we had so recently arrived at is in flux and chaos.

What to do? Enter Dr. Backer. Because I recognized a pattern of things snowballing out of control, I asked him about it. And now we are working on appropriate boundaries. If I am truly in training, I can't treat house guests like I used to. I can't be a full service bed and breakfast any more. I loved doing it, but (remember this one?)"Does this help me reach my goal?" No. So we have new rules. People can visit, sure, but I can't set aside completely that which is my life focus right now to entertain.

But HERE is the really exciting difference between times in the past when I have stoped training and tried to start again, and this time.. Its okay! I am doing the best I can with the tools and resources that I have. I am aware that life will happen, and that no schedule can be maintained to its fullest. And that it is a BAD thing to live a totally ordered, scheduled life. My goal here is to be mindful of my training. To fit it in, train hard, try hard, but have space, and patience, in my life for... you know, LIFE to happen. And conversely, to watch my life and all the minutiae that happens, and make sure that it isn't crowding out that which is truly important to me, my training.

So getting started again doesn't feel like starting over this time. It feels like I had to be away from training for a little bit, and now I can be back.

This, for me, is huge. Thanks to my amazing support team, most specifically Michael Hickey and Dr. Marvin Backer, I am learning to build a healthier version of Kate.

Thanks, guys!

PS, I have got to figure out how to embed sound clips. I'd put "I get knowcked down, but I get up again, you ain't ever gonna keep me down..." here, and Gene Autry singing "Back in the Saddle Again" at the beginning!


The Catharine Chronicles said...

Kate v. 2.5

Good on you. And I'm sorry if were one of the hitches in your git-along (which I'm sure we were). But we love you and we support you and we want you to this wonderful thing.

(And we won't be hitches anymore. Promise)


a said...

No, you were not hitches. You were welcome guests. What I have figured out is that I need to make a schedule BEFORE I have a guest that honors what I need to do so I don't get too far off track. And then I need to check my expectations for a visit with my guest's expectations, and make sure there is some serendipity there. This actually has nothing to do with you, but more about the way that I treat anyone who comes to stay. Its a lovely thing, to open my home and do nothing but play with my guests while they are here. But I have learned that it is not practical when I am pursuing the goal that I have.

It was an important lesson, and not too painful to learn, so thank you!


The Catharine Chronicles said...

I agree, and in retrospect, though everything we did was kick-ass fun, I would have probably done better to have given up something and gone to the gym with you a couple of times. Besides, it could have been fun.

Except for the part where you would have totally busted my butt. :)

Next time.... Oh, wait... next time, you'll be busting my butt on skis.... never mind....

(Must start training for learning to ski... learning to fall... learning to fly.... oh, my....)


a said...

Now we're talkin'!