Thursday, October 29, 2009

Beard Juice Tequila

Alright, maybe I'm on a bit of a rebellious tear, here, but I had this thought about two years ago, and I've been trying to convince the Griz and Bridger Bowl to pick it up, for some reason, they are resistant. I can't figure it out. Maybe Lost Trail?

I don't know, somewhere ballsy needs to do this, it could turn into one of those disgusting traditions that all the ice beard men would wrestle with each other to participate in. (Oh, yes you would, don't deny it...)

Photo of Dave Downing, who wants you to know that he felled his moose with his bare hands while on ALPINE skis, and as a prize, Jess married him. They now live happily in Whitefish, where they have Moose pie for dinner every night and she darns his wool socks, but only when he's got his beard.

Okay. I used to have a little "house" that I rented in LaBufadora in Mexico, south of Ensenada. It was the very early nineties, so there was no cell service down there, the nearest telephone was a 20 minute drive past a village where guys with old rifles stood in the road and made you pay to pass. (I had a few beers with them a couple of times, nice guys, just tryin to make a buck, you know...)

Anyway, it used to make my sister, Beth, insane that I went down there, I'd take off without telling her, and disappear for four days or so, drinking Dos Equis for breakfast and writing where no one could bother me. (I was working on and EPIC romance novel interactive DVD game that we couldn't produce because the DVD technology was so new, they weren't sure what the format would be!)

Not the point. SO there is this little bar, with no sign, in LaBufadora, where they serve Rattlesnake Tequila. WHAT, you may ask, is rattlesnake tequila? Simple:

RattleSnake Tequila
Take one 5 gallon water jug, dump the water out. (Who needs water when you have Dos Equis?)
Fill bottle almost to the brim with cheap Tequila.
Catch a rattlesnake, live.
Drown the rattlesnake in the Tequila, it will release its venom into the brew, making it slightly toxic and very potent and delicious.
Let sit for six months until the scales are floating, and the snake is essentially pickled.
Stir and drink! (Make sure you have a spot on the floor picked out to sleep on, you're not going far.)

I'm not saying this is safe or even smart. Just because it didn't kill me the dozen or so times we were out there doing shots doesn't mean its an intelligent thing to do. That is all.

Alright. What the BLEEP does this have to do with skiing?

So you know those ice encrusted full beard wearin tele men we were celebrating below?

Beard Juice Tequila
Take a five gallon jug of water. Empty water into snowmaking resivor.
Place jug on counter of local apres bar, closer to the hill the better.
Fill halfway with cheap tequila.
Have all ice encrusted beardies chip their ice off and let their beard juice run into the jug until its full. (It should take all season).
Have a contest at the end of the season to see who can drink a shot or nine without tossing his cookies.
Ten bucks a shot, beard juice contributors get two free shots.
The winner gets a season pass.

Right? Brilliant, right? I'm fairly certain that the Tequila would kill all the germies in the snot and sweat and whatever else is hanging out in Dave Downing's beard...

I'm not, uh, a physician, or a pathologist, so obviously, do this at your own risk... But if anyone decides to do it, I want to come MC the drinking contest!!

Happy Winter, Y'all!

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