Friday, August 15, 2008
Dreams do come true!
Well, its been a heck of a roller coaster this week! Some things fell beautifully into place, others had to be wrestled into place. A few days ago, I thought, you know, I am really forcing this. I am pushing too hard.
Bodhi is exhibiting some separation anxiety for the first time, and this trip is right on the tail of the last one. As much as I want to succeed in skiing and take every single opportunity that I can, I don't want to do it at the expense of my kids relationship with me or mine with them! We are in this together, and they need to feel loved, valued, and involved.
Erin at POC pulled of the incredible and shipped a box of gear to Mt. Hood in the middle of an insane and super busy week, Scott and Matt at Elan made the skis happen in the last moment, the skis are in Hood as well. Amanda donated gas money. PSIA hired me to write an article on my experience at camp, helping defray costs further.
But, I felt like I was not listening to the universe, like I was pushing and pushing without hearing, and something was saying, chill out, stop taking. Stop asking for so much. Be grateful for all the amazing help you've gotten so far, and if this doesn't happen, its not the end of the world.
So, I let go a little. I still hoped that there would be some way that I could go... there are not a ton of people in the camp, so a week of practically private instruction from Dave Lyon and Deb Armstrong was VERY alluring, and I am so itchy to ski ski ski... but at what expense? What relationships might I be damaging by pushing so hard to get what I want? Time to listen, Kate. Time to let go.
And suddenly, an amazing thing happened. My mom. She is going to fly to Portland and meet me at Mt. Hood. I am going to bring my kids with me. Camp finishes at 1 every day, so we will have the afternoons to hike, play in the pool, go down to the river, ride bikes, and just be. We haven't seen my mom in almost a year, and she's been through a really rough time recently, so it will be an amazing reunion/vacation.
Suddenly, I'm not scraping by, worrying about babysitting (lucky me, mom is free), camping in my car and eating granola alone, wondering if I've done the right thing. Suddenly, my family is part of helping me achieve a goal, while having a good time themselves.
On a personal note, after we got this all squared away, it occurred to me that something very special is happening here. While I was involved in figure skating, my mom was not. Its a long story why, but the long and short of it is, I always missed her, looking at the skating parents sitting along the side, sewing the kids dresses, putting them back on the ice when they crashed over and over again trying to land a new jump.
I knew that that wasn't possible for me, and I accepted it that my path in skating was going to be alone. But I always wished inside that it would be different, that it could have been different. In my adult life, I read a quote by Anne Lammot which helped ease that want: "Forgiveness is giving up hope of ever having had a better childhood." In other words, no matter how much you wish today that things HAD been different when you were young, you can't change the past. And when you let go of that and focus on the gifts you have right now, healing is possible.
And suddenly I find myself in a place where my mom and I are comfortably working together so the kids are in a good place, I can train, and she can be a supportive presence. It feels almost, secretly, like a little bit of bliss. There are blessings in my life!
HERE are all the people that helped little ole me get to race camp this year: THANK YOU, Erin, Jarka, Scott, Andy, Ben, Jeremy, Kurt, Stacey, Amanda S., Amanda F., Tom, Mom, Beth, Bo at RaceWerks, and the Timberine Lodge. YOU GUYS ROCK!
It takes a village to teach Kate to ski...