PSIA Progression Session at Mt. Hood!

WOW, it took a long time to get to this post! Anyhoo, here we are. Back safe and sound from an amazing 3 days at Mt. Hood, Oregon, training for the D-Team tryouts with Rob Sogard, Nelson Wingard, Chris Kastner and Sean Smith.

In a (large) nutshell: here it is:

I got back from checking the lovable and slightly stressed Liat into Avalon Hills, and had two days to get my s**t together to get to the Demo Team tryout training. (Sob, sob, here's the sob story...) I was freaking out a bit, because I haven't worked out in a MONTH, as Liat and I had been on hard core crazy watch, my (new!) skis were dull, and I don't know how to tune them yet, and I hadn't packed, watched any of the film I had meant to watch, or prepared in any way for the last month or so. Oh, and I got a raging sinus infection on my way back from Salt Lake, and had a fever of 103, feeling like someone had hit me in the face with a hammer, and just wanted to sleep all day.

None the less, my Head Check trainer, the incredible Dr. Marvin Backer, had told me that everything was do-able, so rather than freaking out, I decided to just believe him, and used those words as my mantra for the next two days. Tom and I, of course, immediately got into a huge row the night I was supposed to pack, which took all night to resolve. SO, consequently, I packed super fast, which I hate, sure I would forget something, and threw my skis in the car. In the morning, I went to the courthouse to resolve the issues that needed resolving (tags on cars, insurance, yadda yadda) and then headed up to Big Sky, arriving about 2 hours late for the 13 hour drive.

Excellent. So I was driving with Troy Nedved and Jill Imsand from Big Sky, and I was all nervous, because I'd only met Troy like twice before and I wasn't sure he was a big fan of the superlate SuperKate so, I was late, nervous and...

It was fine. It was actually fun. I learned a lot about Troy, for instance, that he does a mean Celine Dion impression (Allll by myself... don't wanna be... all by MYSELF! AnyMORE!!) That did it right there, I had a whole new respect for the man immediately. Unfortunately, I did NOT get it on tape, but I promise you before the end of 2007, I will have that man singing that song, and I will post it RIGHT HERE for your viewing enjoyment. Needless to say it was an easy 13 hours.

We got in at 2am to the Huckleberry Inn in Timberline at Mt. Hood, (after driving through all kinds of orchards and wineries, who knew?) and tried to check in. Unfortunately, the short order cook for the 24 hour diner was also the desk clerk, so we had to wait an additional 20 minutes for him to finish cooking dinner for his customers before he came over and couldn't find us in the reservation book. I'll skip all the nonsense that happened from here, but let me just say, it was an adventure just getting our keys (actually, he wouldn't give one to Troy, he said "just go knock").

We lugged our crap up to our rooms, and we were kind of shocked to find that Jill and I were sharing a room with 2 sets of bunk beds, and about 4 square feet to stand in. We threw our crap on the beds we weren't using, and crawled into "bed", bed, of course, being a 2" thin mattress with one thin blanket on it. Whatever, we were tired, it didn't matter. Five thirty in the morning came really quickly, and downing about 6 each of Tylenol and Advil, we changed quick and headed down to the breakfast fiasco. I mean, buffet. I got a warm welcome from Rob, which was lovely, as I was a bit nervous to be skiing with this lot, as I am just a level 1 cert, and everyone there had tried out for the D Team once before. Gulp! But he put me right at ease, as he always does, and on we went.

I'll skip all the hilarity that ensued trying to convince the cooks that we were with the group buffet breakfast that was supposed to be included in our room, and skip right to the mountain. We drove up, meeting at 6:30 in the morning to get our tix and see all the folks that were coming up from Portland or camping. The venerable Ben Roberts, who put this whole thing together, was handing out tix and looking all official, it was great to see him again.

The Timberline Lodge at Mt. Hood was beautiful, and I couldn't figure where I'd seen it before until Troy told me it was where they filmed The Shining. Are you KIDDING ME? Awesome. I have to rent it again just to see it. It was cool. Anyhow, feeling rather psychotic myself from no sleep, ill preparation, and a vicious head cold, I followed the gang out to the lift, and got on, riding the Timberline lift over acres of dry dirt, to a little tiny postage stamp of a glacier, with rivulets of snow running down three gullies.

We loaded on to our next chair to get up to the top of the glacier, and figured out what Ben meant by "lanes". The glacier is groomed carefully, and each group gets a lane, like a bowling lane, about 4 cat tracks wide. We were in lane 7 on the first day, the first lane being for the general public, then there was the US Development Ski Team, the US Juniors, Lyons Race Camp and so on and so forth, and then us, PSIA in all its glory.

The first day I was really nervous. First off, I suck on Ice, and Ben had warned us to come with sharp skis. But lucky for me, some of the skiing I'd been doing, especially my last trip with Spohler to the Beartooths, paid off a bit, and I actually had some turn shape, right out of the gate.

It wasn't QUITE bulletproof ice, because they salt it for a little bit of bite, but it was hard, and all I could think during my first couple of runs was "Andy (Docken) says if you are chattering, you are asking your body to move inside more than the ski wants you to. Give the ski what it wants. If it wants to let it run, let it run" Or something to this effect. I tried to tune in to my feet, and ski a foot under the snow, as Meagan (Harvey) had asked, and I was proud to actually be doing okay.

Now, for comparison, uh... Rob and Nelson and Ben just carved that stuff up like it was nothing. I think maybe Ben likes to go fast. Just a hunch. Anyhoo...

Rob gave me a task for the day, and that was as follows: Your skis make a shape, from the toe piece to the heel piece, and across to the other ski, they describe a square, or a parallelogram, and the shape will change during the turn. My job? To make the platform a shape that I wanted it to be. To make it whatever shape I needed it to be, and then maintain it, mindfully. To make my platform the shape it needed to be for the task, but to do it on purpose, be mindful of it through the whole turn the whole run, and so on.

Sean gave us this great "stable platform/position of strength" drill, which just enforced the task all that much more.

This was my job for the day. Let me first say "YAY ROB!" that was great advice. Which is not surprising, but hey, it gave me a HUGE breakthrough, which I kept secretly all inside, because, you know, its just not cool to go bouncing all around the slopes going "I get it I get it I get it!! YaY!" Alright. Day 1, purposeful platform.

Then we headed in to do some movement analysis of the video that was shot, and to talk about what they are looking for at the tryouts. One thing I heard again and again? "The ski has to keep moving through the turn, without loosing speed or momentum. The ski needs to always be working, and be working on purpose." Excellent.

At about 4:30, I was ready just to go to bed, but part of the job of a D Team member is to go out with the gang, get to know them, and have fun, no matter how tired or icky you feel, and I really didn't want to miss the opportunity to visit with these guys. Okay, lets be honest. I really don't need a good excuse to go out all night for a beer. You know. It's that whole, mommy doesn't really get out at night very often. And as long as Tom is watchin' the boys, well, lets train to do this job right, and go out drinkin'! (Oh, my, its really unfortunate that's part of the job... I just, I don't know if I can handle being expected to go out and chat and make friends over a pint every weekend... gee...)

At first, we were going to go to a hot springs, so I put on my bathing suit and cover up and got all set, but then we decided to just hit Charlie's, the local watering hole.

Couple a beers later, we were ready for a scrumptious dinner at the Huck, and then back to Charlies for a few more and some pool... by 9:30 I was just about to fall into my beer head first, and my fever was back, so I thought I'd probably hung out long enough to have paid my social dues, and begged off for bed by 11.

Five thirty came fast, after waking up several times on that paper thin mattress with the two blankets (stole em from the other beds) with massive coughing attacks and needing more Tylenol, (poor Jill, she can't have slept well with me coughing and heaving all night long) and again, we were off to the glacier.

Day two: The snow was hard again. But lucky for me, Ben Roberts happened to have some ski tuning crap in his pocket, because, you know, he's Ben. So we all got a quick tune up, and then... because I had a stable platform, I accidentally used both my skis. I know Josh Spohler has been after me to have a "strong inside half" for months, and I was really reaching for it, but, you know, you have to not only STAND on that inside ski, but USE it. This was new. My third turn or so, my outside edge of my inside ski hooked up and I felt this pure, lovely feeling of my skis (BOTH OF THEM!) bending, biting, turning, pressuring, building forces, and ALAS, because I was attempting to create my platform mindfully, I wasn't hucked into the backseat, I was just pushing more and feeling it all happen right under my feet.

Holey Shit. I have no other words for it. I had goosebumps from head to toe. I was so freaking psyched, I was sure I looked like a frickin' rock star out there. I was riding up with Chris Jones (who, for the same money we were paying, was staying in a friggin' PALACE next door with Troyella Princessa, whatever....) and I had to squeak it out, I felt it, I felt it, I felt it!

It felt just like an edge take off jump in skating, like the loop jump, you enter into it, spiraling inwards, adding force to your edges as you compress the circle, and in skating, you release into the air, on skis, you release so you can go the other way... This made me wonder if I could maybe DO a loop jump on skis... something to look at this winter maybe... how cool would that be?

They put brushes in the snow, (which is like running gates, but you don't have to deal with an actual gate, so its better for us total beginners), and I swear to you, I thought I was tearing it up. With my new stable platform and my using BOTH my skis like a big girl, man, could I ski. Sean put in another set of brushes, and Rob gave me a new job of driving my skis into the turn from the top brush to the two brushes that signified the apex of the turn. This was fun for me, I like any instruction with the words "drive" "Hard" "Force" or "Strength" in them. I got forward, and stayed forward, certain that I must look at LEAST as good as Ben did coming down that course. Okay, maybe not. But it sure felt good.

The course got really rutted out by about 11:30, and all the sudden, I was being bucked out of the course, sad because my SuperBad self couldn't do it anymore. But Ben could do it. What's that all about? I started stalking him, and he gladly gave a tip of using the ruts, kind of like a pool lip on a skateboard, just aim high and ride it around. It worked! I stayed in the course and had a blast.

We headed back inside for video and lunch, and I had two very interesting experiences here: first, the guy that shot the video for us on this day... um... well, he didn't think that I was part of the group, so he didn't shoot very much of me. Ah. And then, what he did shoot, well, I was going so slowly, that I didn't get to see all of my turns in a run. And the capper?

I SKI LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER! Rotate, ski, Rotate, ski, Rotate, ski... oh my GOD, it was AWFUL! I mean, I know in my heart that the picture I make when I ski can't REALLY look like Ben just yet, but WAAAHhhhhh!!! Like my GRANDMOTHER!? Really???

I got lots of props from the VERY Supportive group, and I sheepishly went back to my seat, determined to make a visually significant change on the next day.

That evening, we decided to forgo the exquisite cuisine of the Huck, and headed out to a waterfall on the White River that Troy had run in his kayak once before. We weren't sure entirely where it was, but we were game to find out. We came across it about an hour later, and wandered around looking at it. There were these immense basalt cliffs on either side of it, and I think I saw a bolt and some chalk up there. I took some pics for Tom, its a long drive, but MAN it looks like good climbing. I wanted to go swim in the pour over from the waterfall, but we'd left our suits in the car, so we decided to drive down to the Dechutes River and go for a dip there.

We drove through some tribal land where the native Americans fish with super long spears from wooden towers in the river, and Chris spied someone who had caught a salmon that went up to his WAIST! Very cool.

We found a nice turn out and changed, and went for a swim in the very cold river. Jill, our resident polar bear, managed to stay in until she didn't feel cold anymore, and that looked fun, so I gave it another try. Troy, of course, water man that he be, stroked out into the middle and enjoyed a brisk, rather military swim. Chris stood on the bank with his toe in and said it looked cold for about an hour (maybe the water in Mexico agrees with his sensitive skin more?), and then we all changed and ate dinner in Maupet, population... I don't know, 216 or so? And we headed back up to Hood.

When we got in, it was late, and we realized we were totally out of gas. We figured we'd deal with it in the morning as nothing was open, anyway. Chris and I decided to head back out to Charlie's, and we ended up at some girls 80's themed birthday party! It was most excellent, Charma Chamelion, Purple Rain, The Cure... ahhhh....

At about 12:30 we realized we'd better get our acts together and made it back to the hotel by about 1 or so... another late night, another early morning, but OOPS! Out of gas. We were about 1/2 way up the hill to the ski area when the Subaru choked, and Jill, the ever level headed, flipped us around, and we coasted in Neutral back down to the gas pump in town. No pushing, no towing, no walking. EXCELLENT!

We were late getting to the ski hill, but no worries. I was still sick as a dog, and still determined not to let it interrupt this experience, so I finished off my bottle of Tylenol, drank a Red Bull and sucked it up. Day three: because I had a purposeful platform, and I was using BOTH my skis, I was able to let my feet travel away from my body, as it faced down hill in the front seat. Hmmm..

Strange STRANGE experience! I was having all kinds of trouble with my hands, and I was getting all kinds of shit about how Robotic I looked. I had been asking and asking people "What do I do with them?" and they kept telling me to just relax them.. . But I have heard SO many people getting yelled at for having lazy hands, and Josh Spohler had handed me a lunch tray back in February. "Here, Kate. This is your lunch tray. Carry it in front of you and don't put it down."

Well, finally, exasperated, I asked Troy what to do, WHERE exactly to put my friggin hands. He said "well, I am the last person you should ask for advice on hands, but..." and I just was so frustrated, "But YEAH, you know where they are SUPPOSED to go, even if you don't do it, right?"

He looked surprised. "Oh, yeah. One foot out, two feet up, hands outside of elbows, elbows in front of torso."

I looked at him. "Are you serious?"

"Yup."

Great! Thanks, Troy! And in that moment, I finally had permission to put down my lunch tray. And guess what? Jill came up to me later in the day and said "Hey, Kate, you don't ski like your Grandma anymore." That's about the nicest thing I've ever heard about my skiing. Rock on.

The day was spent skiing tasks and talking about what they are looking for when we ski these tasks at the try outs:

Skiing the tasks in 50/50 groomed and crud, on frozen coral reef, in big bumps, in slush, and the turn needs to be the same no matter what, the skis working effectively, no matter the terrain, the ski tips both bending and working, the ski not loosing momentum, the inside ski driving, if you air, the tip of the outside ski coming down first, continuing to drive, move and work.

Check, check, check.

I had so much fun on this day, I never wanted it to end. We did short turns to a big turn to short turns in a new corridor, medium turns to short and back to medium, all the while I was concentrating on making my platform the way I wanted it to be so I could send my feet away from me.

I camped out with Rob and Sean for a while and listened in on a bunch of Movement Analysis, chipping in when I could, and learned a TON about what they are looking for, what the nuances of the ski working were, and then taking it out and trying it on my own. Rob pegged me for the impatient person that I am "Right, I get it, and I want the next instruction", but said it was good that I went back and forth between laying one down and pushing my limits, and then backing off and working on my control again.

All in all, it was an awesome day, at the very end, we did three runs of ENORMOUS turns, just the biggest, fastest turns I've ever made, they were SO much fun I was literally cackling all the way down the hill. We had to get going because we had another 13 hour drive ahead of us, and Troy and Jill had to work the next day, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to do an indoor presentation.

I got the topic "Discuss how lateral learning relates to building the skill set" and freaked out for a minute, but I had 5 minutes in the hall to prepare, and luckily, I got to double check what lateral learning meant as one of the guys came out to use the bathroom.

I took my turn, and made my point, almost ran out of time, but nearly fit it all in. It was fun to talk in front of a group again, I haven't done that since training the Spire guys, and before that, since speaking to the Venture Capitalist group that I was pitching Jungle Gym to. That was a real rush, and this was just about as thrilling as that.

Rob gave me some good notes, and told me his one comment would be not to talk directly to the selectors, because he felt like I was talking to him nearly the whole time. I was concerned, because I felt like I had been making an effort to connect to as many different people as I could, but I nodded and took the note, because when you are speaking, its hard to really know how fast you are talking and how many people you've engaged. But then Nelson, who was sitting on the other side of the room, piped up and said, "really? i was going to give the same note." And then, jokingly, I asked "Anyone else?" and Jill stood up and said, yeah, I actually thought you talked to me a lot, and the guy behind Rob and someone else raised their hands, too. So I felt pretty good about that, then, five people in the room all thought I spent the whole time talking to them, I'll take it!

We said our hasty good byes and got in the car, and by this time, the peril of having ignored the fact that I was sick for five days started hitting me hard. We had a long drive ahead of us, and we started in at about 3, again about 2 1/2 hours later than Troy had been expecting. He had to be up at 5 for work, as most of Yellowstone was on fire, and he is kind of in charge of allocating assets in the park. Whoops!

I really wasn't sure I was going to be any help on the drive, but after an Applebees feast, I perked back up, and we got to Jill's house at 4 in the morning. Night, all!

I got back to my house at about 5am, and slept until Wednesday. I've been so long posting because I was in bed for a week after that. Today, finally, I feel human. Yesterday was okay, today is great, back to the gym tomorrow!

If only it would start snowing! We had a huge thunderstorm the other day, and the weather has officially changed from 90's summertime to 60's fall weather, I've broken out the long sleeves and jeans with the hopes of egging on the winter... and I have to admit that I checked weather.com, just on the off chance that it was going to snow on August 16... patience, Kate, patience...

Cindy Sez: A Burn Out Bummer

I got this comment a while back on the "Never let Go of Your Branch" post, and I thought it merited its own post... Thanks to everyone who has been commenting, I will catch up on my replies as quickly as I can now that I am back!

Most of the time, burn out isn't quite this spectacular. It comes on us slowly, and suddenly one day, we realize we just don't care anymore, and don't have the will or desire to change it, or even to understand what happened. Some brief thoughts on getting it back.

Hi Kate,
I met you at Academy this year and you came to the party that I helped throw on the last night. I stumbled upon you blog and I think it is great. As I have recently lost a little spirit with skiing, it is great to hear our story.Cheers and I would love to hear more about how you over come your sabotages tendency when you get close to the top.
Thanks,
Cindy

Hey, Cindy
Thanks so much! I loved the party by the way, it was a blast. I know what you mean about loosing spirit with skiing, it happens to all of us with almost everything we do. It happened to my mom with scrap booking, it happened to me with rock climbing, and with skating, and it is one of the things that can shake you out of your tree more than anything else.

As I think about this, I think about how frustrating it is to feel this way, just, disillusioned. Lost. Just not interested. (To me anyway.) It can feel like what used to be fun is now work, and maybe the best way to gauge how psyched you are to do it is, well, are you excited to get out of bed at 5am to do it?

If you are feeling flat, probably not. There are ways to get around this, but the first thing, I think, is to check and see if its worth it to you! For my mom, while she had really enjoyed scrap booking, (it had been a bit of an obsession with her), probably not. It wasn't really worth what it would take to push through her performance plateau and make some real breakthroughs. (You'd be surprised, there's ways you can do it, even for scrap booking... you can go to Scrap booking conventions, and three day all nighters with a bunch of other scrap bookers...) But for my mom, she had to just decide, you know, I used to love this, and I have kind of turned it into a job, an obligation to the family, and its just not fun anymore. So she took a break. She isn't sure how long that break will be, but, for now, she is collecting things she may make pages on one day, and just leaving it at that.

You are in a bit of a different situation, having chosen this as a career for you. But maybe not. My mom viewed something she had loved as a job that was no longer fun, maybe the same thing is happening to you.

We didn't really get a chance to talk about skiing and how you came to it and why you teach, and where you want to go with it, so I can't ponder your dilemma directly, but I do know that almost everyone goes through this, with almost everything they do, their marriage, their job, their hobby, their sport, whatever you spend too much time doing, it will, eventually, go flat.

I faced this problem with several of the climbers that trained at a really high level when I was coaching. When you train that hard, with goals that are that difficult to attain, sometimes it just ceases to be fun. And you wonder why you are there, why you are sacrificing the things you sacrifice to work out all day every day. What can you possibly hope to gain?

This goes right back to the "Never let go of your Branch" theory. This flatness, this wondering, this plateau, in desire (and usually performance), is the A-#1 thing that shakes people out of their tree.

I think the trick, here, is to decide if the amount of sacrifice you need to make to get to a place where you love it again, or the amount of belief you have to have in yourself to love what you are doing even when you don't seem to be improving, is worth it.

And that comes down to a different question for everyone. Ben Roberts and I were having a very interesting talk at the Progression Session at Mt. Hood last week (which I will post about soon, I promise), and we were talking about people's motivations. Why you are aspiring to what you are aspiring to.

A lot of times, people don't know. A lot of the people I skated with at the National level were skating because they wanted their parents to be proud of them. They didn't even like skating any more. A lot of them were skating for the fame and the endorsements. A very very few were doing it because they just really loved skating, and they really loved the hard work it took to get to the next level.

So if I were to give you some advice here, I guess I would say, step back and examine why you are in skiing, where you want to go, and why you want to go there. Then you might have some leading questions, that might point the way to weather it's worth it to plug ahead and push yourself, or whether doing that might make something you once loved even less attractive. This is a lot of introspective work, that can be really clouded by lots of different things.

I coached a climber who had the most amazing natural talent I've ever seen at 13. By all rights, he should be on the cover of Climbing magazine monthly. He should be the best climber in the world. He can't succeed because his parenting won't allow him to. His father wants him to win so badly that the boy can't be good enough no matter what he does. When he looses, his father wonders why the boy isn't good enough, and why the boy doesn't have a real job. The boy is doomed no matter what he does, the thing he loves and is talented at is tainted because his sense of self worth is tied to his father's pride in his own success. But he can never succeed, because no matter what he does, he can't be good enough.

This is a pretty extreme example, but I think, when we are looking at ourselves, and excavating the things that are stopping us from being a success or happy at what we have chosen to do, we need to look at outside factors, things that might be installed in us from childhood, as patterns of sabotage. They can be aiding and abetting in our flatness, when things get too intense.

Another thing to think about is learning, as you get to that elite level, to take joy in the minor successes. It is so hard to be psyched and get juiced about your progress when it comes in minute doses far apart. Here you are, after 10 years of teaching, after being a clinician, still working on your turn shape. Thrilling.

But somehow, it has to be. As the learning curve slows down and the progress plateaus, and the plateaus get longer and harder to endure, looking for something to light you on fire becomes a big challenge.

For me, its drills and training. I love to train. This is a bit abnormal, I know, and it is actually rooted in some less than healthy behavior from my childhood. Now that I have worked through that stuff, though, the desire to train has a new meaning for me, and it still gives me the boost that I love. I like to challenge myself with tasks, see where I fall short, train out the weakness, and try the challenge again.

Unfortunately, I am, as Rob pointed out this past weekend, impatient. I like to tackle and conquer, moving on to the next thing. I don't have a lot of patience for endless repetition of the same drill over and over. I like to think that if I have some modicum of success, I have mastered the drill, and I can move on. This kind of cocky attitude leaves holes in my skill set that I pay for later, having to drill out bad compensating habits that I have set up for myself with my impatience.

But when I feel like my interest is waning in something whose overall goal is important to me (no, I don't WANT to practice perfect freakin' wedge turns! good LORD, I want to go SKIING!), I think about what the discipline to get through the task means to my overall ability to reach my goal, and I get a little mini thrill from the fact that I am willing to buckle down and do what needs to be done. Rather than looking at the task itself, I take pride in my ability to be willing to go harder, further, longer, and more dedicated that I thought I could.

In this way, I sort of talk myself into being excited about whatever it is I am working on. I had this same issue with school figures in skating. I sucked at them. I don't have that kind of patience, 90 minutes tracing a pattern to within a quarter of an inch on the ice. I always ALWAYS wanted to move on to the next, more exciting pattern, execute it well enough, and move on again. But I had to learn that the win in that exercise came in executing it perfectly a dozen times in a row, week in and week out. To stay in the beginning set, and to own it in my sleep. No one cared if I had the ability to do a Gold set, I couldn't do it in competition, and to National standards, so it was meaningless. Especially if I couldn't even pull my Bronze set off.

Anyway, as you can tell, your comment got me to thinking about this, about the flatness that we all encounter when we are so single minded about something, the burn out factor, and needing to find something, anything to love about what you are doing again. I don't know if this helps or not, but here are a couple of questions that I ask myself, or my coaching clients, when they have hit a wall, and are just not that interested in forging ahead anymore.

First of all, do you want to get to the Olympics? (D-team, World Cup, PCA tour, climb V14, whatever?) If the answer is yes, then suck it up, this is part of what it takes to be a Champion. No one who lives eats and breathes their sport loves it 24-7. But your job, when you feel flat like this, is to find something, anything you love, and hold onto that with everything its worth, while you climb out of your hole.

If the answer is no, then hey, back off and enjoy yourself, you really don't need to go through this. It may not be worth it, and I mean that.

Then, I'd ask my clients to examine why they are on the track they are on, whatever it is. Why do you teach skiing? For real? Some people started becuse they wanted the free season pass. Some because of the prestige it gave them with their friends. Some because they'd die if they had to work in a cubicle. Some because they love teaching.

I don't know your answer, but if you are feeling disinterested in what you are doing, I'd start here. Why did I start this, and what has changed? Is there a different goal you can shoot for that can re-energize you for your sport? Did you start on the hill and end up in the office?

When I get disillusioned, a good brainstorming session often helps me get back on track. For me it usually means I am over training, and that I need to step away, have a little more fun, and reconnect with the part that gives me goosebumps and makes me smile.

Sometimes it just means pushing hard through a plateau, knowing that if I give just THAT much more, I will be able to punch through. But progress can be made, and it is up to you to find a way to celebrate your wins, find your joy, and put your head down and push through it when you need to.

Feel free to ponder this here on the blog, I think it is a pretty universal problem, and one I wouldn't mind puzzling out with you, because I think all of us can benefit from it!

Good luck, and hang in there.

xoxo
Kate

The Spiral Jetty and Goodbye Liat

Thanks for your patience, oh gentle reader. I certainly have missed posting, but did indeed need a bit of a break.

My nutritionist, little sister, great friend, and workout partner, Liat went through a very scary and difficult time this last month or so, and is now in Avalon Hills, an inpatient treatment center for eating disorders.

I drove her down there two weeks ago after a very intense month here where she struggled for some sanity. (It has been an interesting year for all of us sisters, as we work on tackling some childhood issues, facing some scary stuff, and beginning to heal. The issues were big, and Liat is brave). So, Get well soon, Liat, we miss you!!

On the way down to Avalon Hills, we stopped at the Spiral Jetty, one of my most favorite pieces of sculpture ever produced. It was made by Robert Smithson in the 70's at the height of the earthworks/anti white cube movement.

Following are some pictures of this... we have more as the light changed off of Liat's camera, but she has it with her, so it will take a bit to get them. It was so astounding, I will post them as soon as I can. One oddity was that having my own photo taken out here seemed so incongruous that you'll notice any pictures of us seem, just, odd.

There is no way to adequately describe this to you. We drove about an hour out on a dirt road towards the Great Salt Lake, near the Golden Spike memorial, feeling already a bit like Alice through the looking glass, as enormous jackrabbits leaped across the road and darted through the sage. The road went on and on, there was not another human to be seen for miles. We drove along, feeling the heat of the evening and the dust from our rental car, wondering what we would see when we finally arrived.

I have seen pictures of the Spiral Jetty, but nothing could have prepared me for the unique experience of actually living it. We came around the corner and saw the remnants of an old pier stretching out into the distance, the Great Salt Lake an eerie purplish pink, the dock entombed in thick white salt, leading to nowhere, the level of the lake water no where near the pylons.

Just a bit further down the road, we spied it, rocks and dirt strewn out in a giant spiral, reaching out into the water, almost submerged. We drove silently up to it, just in awe of what we were looking at.

We got out of the car up on the hill and stood, partially in shock, as the air was completely still, the temperature about 90 degrees, nearly body temperature, and the sound, simply absent.

There was no movement, no animal life, no sound, no stirring of air. The black basalt rocks of the landscape tumbled down onto the salty shore of the beach, a silent, white, crusted landscape. The water met the salt silently, there was no lapping of waves, no ripple on the water.

Because the lake bed is white, and the air so still, as we looked out into the horizon, the separation from lake to air was nearly invisible, giving us the sense that we had been transported to some "other", like limbo, or someone's idea of heaven, or the place where someone gently comes to tell you you are dead, but you realize its not that bad.

I had helped Liat to buy a singing bowl before she left, so that she could practice meditation while she was away at Avalon, it is an enormous hand hammered brass bowl, and she got it out of the car and gave it to me. Up there on the hill, feeling strangely out of place, confused and yet connected in an almost womb-like way to this alien landscape, I played the bowl, and felt as though I were falling into the sound, being absorbed by the bowl, as the only noise seemingly on the planet was coming from this throbbing, vibrating brass vessel.

I don't know how long I played, but when I looked up at Liat, she was rapt, and I felt... shaken, as though I had touched something I didn't realize was touchable. The sun had begun to sink, and I was grateful to be sharing this experience with Liat, not needing to rush, just able to savor the strangeness one moment at a time. We wandered down onto the shore and found evidence of creatures before us, a giant bird feather partially entombed, a footprint from who knows how long ago.

As the sun sank, the water turned scarlet, the horizon vanished more completely, and we began to walk slowly out onto the spiral. Such a strange experience to wind in a circle, walking and walking but never really getting anywhere, as the sky changed color, and the temperature stayed the same, and the wind, just a breath, began, and simply steadily intensified as we made our way to the center of the spiral.

We stayed in the center, where the last ten feet was submerged under cherry colored water, a pink and lavender stain spreading all around us, for quite a while, Liat played the bowl again, and we just sort of marveled at the oddity that was our experience here, realizing fully that it could have been so different on any other day, if there were other people, if the air hadn't been nearly body temperature and still, making us both feel larger, more expansive than we really were.

We wandered back and drove through the Utah canyons to our hotel for the evening, still locked in the spell of the Jetty, (we followed a red fox out of the ranch along the dirt road for about 1/2 a mile, he was hunting a small owl who was flitting around, teasing him). The rabbits were plentiful, bounding through the sage and along the deserted road. We felt like we were driving for hours on a treadmill, and finally, civilization.

The next day, we checked Liat into the facility, and I began the long drive back to Bozeman, looking forward to two days to prepare for the 13 hour drive to Mt. Hood and training camp. But I already missed her, like I had had a limb removed. We had been through so much together, in general, but especially in the last month.

I tried to explain to Tom as I drove home the tremendous feeling of experiencing the Jetty, but there really is no way to tell this to someone, it was like nature's acid trip, a total separation from reality... "That sounds cool, babe." Well, yes... but...

Its still there. If you go to Salt Lake City, you should go see it while its still above water. (It was submerged for over a decade).

Please Stay Tuned

Hi! Thanks, Catharine and Lisa and Cindy for your great comments... I am sorry I haven't had a chance to respond! I am dealing with a family emergency at the moment, but will be back on the air shortly. Keep your fingers crossed for us, and we'll post again soon.

xoxo
Kate

Failure as a Diagnostic Tool

Liat and I were hiking the other day, and we were talking about our experiences as kids and why in the world we are both so competitive, and how that idea of competition, why we do it and what it means to us. Hiking is nice that way, it’s like an extended philosophy session.

I think that competition can be very healthy, but I think also that the desire to compete can have its roots in both unhealthy and healthy ideas. One of the challenges that we face as athletes, as coaches, as teachers is ferreting out how we (or our clients) feel about competition, and helping them to see that competition is nothing but an opportunity to turn failure into success. And I say this because any action we do can be improved, regardless of how we place in a competition.

The problem here is, how do you view that idea? Do you feel burdened by the fact that you could have done it better? Is it a failure that leaves you feeling less than you could be, frustrated, and upset? Or do you view the things you could do better as an opportunity to find things you can work on? The difference here can mean the difference in long-term love of your sport, happiness in competition, healthy attitudes in competition, and even your ability to successfully teach your sport! Are you unknowingly encouraging negative self-reflection in your students because you do it yourself?

When my husband was young, he joined the cross-country team at his high school. He had never run before, but he was lean, wiry and fast from playing soccer for years. His new team ran around the track for two days, and then went on a four-mile run. Tom was the slowest, having never run a distance like that before. When he got back, he was exhausted, and frustrated. The coach praised those who were fast and had finished first, and did not tell young Tom that with time, practice and technique, he would improve. He did not find anything in what Tom had done that was a success, no matter how small, leaving Tom to feel that he was not talented at this sport, and could never be a success at it. His failure was paramount. His failure defined his future in the sport. Over the course of his life, this singular experience informed the way he felt about himself, how he defined himself.

I think about this when I think about teaching skiing. The power of a coach or a teacher is immense, as is the responsibility. You have in that moment, the chance to change a person’s life forever. To help them redefine themselves, to believe in themselves in a way that they possibly never have before.

When I coach any of the sports that I teach in, I think about this as my first priority. Help the client to see himself or herself in a new light. And more importantly, turn their failures into a tool they can use to make new breakthroughs in their sport.

Take a look at tennis. Most people have a horrible backhand, and a favorite forehand shot. If you were to track the shots they made during a practice, you’d see them practicing that great down the line forehand, ripping the cover off the ball, sending it screaming down the line. This player would look intimidating, tough, and hard to beat. And sure enough, if you were to play them in a match, if you gave that guy a ball in the right place, when he had the opportunity to hit it down the line, he’d take a point off you every time.

But look at the rest of his game. He is most likely working around every ball, trying to turn each ball into his favorite, point-winning shot. He will run around his backhand and hit a bad forehand. He will, if you are patient, beat himself.

Now this guy, with this unbeatable down the line shot and no other tools in his arsenal can look at a match in two ways. It is a game to be won with his fearsome weapon that he has honed over time, or it is an opportunity to test where he is so he can develop a complete game and be a better player over all.

Here is the sticking point. What makes one client feel one way about competition, winning and failure, and another feel the opposite way? I think it has to do with early experiences like Tom’s with his cross-country coach. There are a lot of experiences that can mold the way we feel about ourselves, and what competition means to us, (for instance, kids who don’t get enough validation for their successes will see competition as an opportunity to win love or worth from parents who value “success” over experience).

I want to think for a moment about the coach’s ability to infuse the client with a NEW sense of purpose in competition, regardless of their early life experience.

Lets say that we managed to get our hands on Mr. Down The Line. What if we could spend a day with him, and watch him lose his match to an average player with an assortment of average shots and no winning weapon. Mr. Down the Line is down on himself. He has failed. He trained hard, and did not win. His feeling is one of loss, diminished sense of self, and sadness. He probably will go work out the next day and hone that fearsome weapon into something even faster, even closer to the net, even more backspin on it, until it seems unbeatable.

But if I could spend a couple of minutes with him, I would ask him to think about the fact that this match, which he wants so badly to win, is an opportunity simply to see where he is in his skill set. If he can see the match this way, he will perhaps notice that he could use a decent backhand, that his opponent is adept at getting to the net, so some sprint speed might help, that if he had a terrific lob, one of the toughest shots in tennis, (especially because it takes touch, and discipline) he would certainly have a better chance of winning.

In this way, using “failure” as a diagnostic tool, a client can see that perhaps they can leave their Forehand Down the Line shot for a few weeks, and concentrate instead on the skills that are lacking. I always tell my clients, lets find the thing that you are the WORST at. And then let’s drill it until it is your strength. In this way, you have a list of skills you are constantly eliminating as impediments to success, and turning them into strengths.

Imagine the feeling this client could have suddenly looking at competition as a way to determine his weaknesses, training for three weeks to remove them or turn them into strengths, and looking forward to the next competition to see if he had trained them hard enough, if he needs more work on them, or if he has a new weakness that needs work. Eventually, he will be a total athlete, well rounded, with a toolbag full of skills, some always better than others, PLUS his wicked down the line shot.

If we could get this guy to change his attitude toward competition to view it, and any “failures” within it as diagnostic tools, and to be excited to uncover new weaknesses and change them instead into strengths, over time he will learn to love competition because it is a tool that helps him truly excel at the sport that he loves. You have done this guy a big favor. He doesn’t compete to win anymore, winning is a byproduct of using competition and training wisely. He doesn’t strive for self worth through his medal collection, his worth is defined internally now through his new work ethic, or (even better) his worth is no longer tied to his performance in sports, leaving him emotionally free to try hard, the fear of failure is gone, because failure is something he loves now. Failure is the pointer that shows him what he gets to work on next.

When I apply this theory to my skiing, it can get a bit overwhelming. My list of weaknesses is long. But rather than letting it overwhelm me and give me a sense that I can never accomplish it, I shuffle my weaknesses in order of their super-suckiness. What do I suck the most at? Skiing on Ice. No, scratch that, I am even worse at skiing on frozen coral reef. Refrozen spring snow. I cannot ski at all on that.

Oh, this is exciting! How formidable would I be as a competitor, how much of a fantastic teacher will I be if I can conquer frozen coral reef? Good lord, can you imagine being able to Josh Foster your way down the steepest, gnarliest, least forgiving frozen fingers of death? Lets make THAT a strength!

How do we do that? Read everything we can get our hands on about skiing in icy conditions (Oh, MAN am I excited about the movement Matrix for this reason!), watch video of people doing it. Try it on frozen groomers. Graduate to frozen crud, that’s not so steep. Get up early before the sun warms it up in the spring and put in the time on the worst stuff you can find. Get frustrated. Reward yourself for skiing in stuff you hate, for challenging yourself to try anyway, by skiing something easy and ego boosting after the sun comes out. Just one or two quickies that make you feel like the king of the world (This would be 10 minutes of practicing that down the line shot in a 90 minute workout). Keep doing it until you suck less.

Then do it until you own it. Then test yourself and realize that you now suck at powder skiing, tree skiing, chutes, steeps, bootpacking, whatever, and make it your strength.

Failure is an athlete’s greatest ally. The way we measure where we are and what skills we need to move forward in our sport without fear. In turning failure from a self-defining, worth breaking harridan into our favorite best friend, we free ourselves from fear of failure. Imagine what you could try if you were not only not AFRAID of failure, but excited about it? And then, imagine the scope of your possibilities for success.

Donation Love...

We are going to think of this as a challenge, rather than a crisis.

Anyone want to babysit? My mom was going to come to watch the kids whilst I nipped off to D Team Tryout Training Camp, however, my favorite Aunt, (my mom's sister) is gravely ill, and my mom will be in Arizona caring for her in a hospice situation.

I am thinking that perhaps we can patch together a day of volunteer babysitting one day at a time... I know this sounds insane, but I'd like to give it a crack and see if anyone is up to the challenge.

I want to go to this clinic specifically, because I will then have four years to practice all the things that we do in the simulated try out, and, of course, we won't have this opportunity again until the next tryout cycle, in four years.

I have someone to drive with, I've raised almost half the money, and I'm in shape to go (well, we'll see...) but...

So it can be enormously beneficial to my training to go... however, I don't have the $150 bucks a day it takes to hire someone to watch the kids, and I want to be sure that this is fun and exciting for them, like when my mom comes to visit, and not horrible and traumatic for both them and my husband.

Well, here's where we see what happens when motherhood and training collide!

Let me know if you are up for watching the little hellions for a day, and lets try to fill in the calendar.

Race Camp:
(I'd love to go, but it is not essential)
Babysitting needed:
7:30 am to 5:15 pm
August 7,8,9

D-Team Tryout Training Camp
7:30 am to 5:15 pm
August 10

And on the weekend just to hang with Tom and make it easier and more fun for him (not as crucial)
10:00am to whenever
August 11, 12

And then again on Monday for the last day of D-Team Training Tryout Camp:
7:30am to 5:15pm
August 13

And on Tuesday while I drive home:
7:30am until I get home
August 14

Weigh In: July 21

Weigh In: 153 lbs, 24.5 % body fat. Patience, Patience... its a long slow road...

The breakdown:
I have lost 3.5 lbs fat AND I have lost 4 lbs of muscle. This is not a good thing. Liat and I are working hard to keep adding muscle, and I am working hard to make sure I am eating what I need to in order to maintain and gain muscle and loose fat. Hang in there....

Training Log: Its a big day!

Sooo sleepy! Hiked Kirk Hill to Leverich canyon, worked out chest, shoulders and tris at the gym, did hard owie hanging abs, then did Yoga. Whew! Then we went SHOPPING! YAY! New cute shorts for summer! High Heeled Espedrilles! Wheee! (Sorry, I don't get to shop much, but today and tomorrow are the Crazy Days here in Bozeman, so Liat and I hit the Root, where they sell SUCH cute clothes!)

Er, hem. Sorry, back to training...

Gear I Use: CamelBak: HYDRATE OR DIE!

So, I love this bottle. And its not just because it has the world's greatest motto on it, "Hydrate or Die!", but it is easy for me to drink a gallon of water a day.

A couple of years ago, Tom and I took the WFR, which was an amazing experience in and of itself, but one of the biggest things i took away from it is how many maladies are just directly related to poor hydration.

Unless your pee is CLEAR, ODORLESS and COPIOUS, you are dehydrated! Holy CRAP! Thats 90% of us. Headaches, clumsiness, heat stroke, malaise, poor performance, depression (yes, really, actual clinical DEPRESSION is affected by how much water you drink!) and on and on... My beautiful little nurse friend, Virginia, put it this way:

Imagine your vascular system is a set of pipes that can constrict. Now, dehydrate your blood a bit, so it is like sludge. To keep pressure in the system to push the sludge, the pipes have to constrict, because sludge doesn't flow as well. Now, you have a headache. So you drink some caffeine, which is a vaso dilator. Now you feel better, but in about a half an hour, you feel jittery and woozy. That's because there isn't enough pressure in the system. So your pipes constrict, or you go lay down. And then drink more caffeine. Are you sensing a pattern here?

One of the BIGGEST issues is with winter athletes, because we don't recognize that we are loosing and using fluids when we are cold. But you have to drink just as much!! This year, I am going to buy a Camelbak Sno Angel

to go under my instructor jacket. I wish I had a picture, but I wore my Isis pack on the outside of my jacket for the first month or so before Kurt had to pull me aside and tell me "you know, Kate, this isn't really... uniform." I argued it with him. It matches. It is Bridger Bowls' Colors! No dice.

So anyway, I use this great bottle, I actually have five of them, (so my kids each have their own, and I have two with me, one always has SOMETHING in it.) I fill it with ice, it has a straw, so I can sip without opening it or spilling it. I am sad to find out that the plastic has been discovered to leach into the water, which can be very dangerous! I hope that CamelBak comes up with a stainless Steel bottle, because there are few brands I am super loyal to, but CamelBak is one of them.

My Isis is an amazing thing, it is a women's fit backpack that has a 100ml capacity, and straps down tight, so I can carry enough stuff for a 26 mile hike, (rain jacket, emergency blanket, first aid kit, water filter, map, food for two days, sun screen, bug spray... hat, sunglasses, athletic tape, my wildflower book... yeah, its a lot!) and then I can strap it down tight and actually RUN with it. It's the best CamelBak I've ever had, and I've had several.

Is Sigg Safe? Goodbye CamelBak?

Oh, here we go again. We have decided in our family to replace all the plastic that we use for food with glass or stainless steel! I'm excited about this, I think it is a very healthy choice for our family, and something that isn't too hard to do. I already have a bunch of vintage Pyrex Bake and Save glass dishes, and now we are working on replacing our Camelbak bottles (which I love, but which leach (summed up the following way:)

"Polycarbonate plastic, on the other hand, is made from epoxy of bisphenol-A [BPA], a known hormone disruptor (endocrine disruptor--the endocrine system regulates hormones in the body). Scientists not working for the petrochemical plastics industry have compiled dozens of studies linking phthalates and BPA to birth defects, cancer, abnormal genital development, and autoimmune disorders, and other problems in animals and in humans."

I am sad about loosing the Camelbak bottle, as it is SO easy to use, because it has a straw and a bite valve, but I think the heath risks are just too big. So I found Sigg. But its Aluminum outside and a "Special, crack-resistant, taste-neutral bottle liner, tested safe for 0.00% leaching."

But how do we know this is true? We thought for years that Nalgene was leach proof, as well.

"Hundreds of studies have identified all aluminum salts as increasing the risk of dementia and possibly Alzheimer's disease in animals and possibly humans. This is why most companies are dropping aluminum and going with stainless steel."

So. Does anyone know about Sigg's liner?

There is a Stainless Steel alternative, which so far seems safe... but of course, its not as cute. Hmmm... Cute bottle, or brain damage? Tough choice...

Fund Raising with Eagle Mount

Alright. I think it will take about $1200 to get to Race Camp and D Team Training camp. We are figuring $275 for gas, $350 for each camp, $45/night for a bunk, and then there's food. I am going to have to go in my old boots because I still don't have Alpine boots. That's next.

I am raising money several different ways, through my Ebay Store, teaching rock climbing at Spire here in Bozeman, ($40/hr for a private lesson with me), and donations through Paypal and First Giving.

The First Giving thing is neat, because 20% of what I raise through them will go to Eagle Mount here in Bozeman, an incredible organization that does therapeutic recreation. The skiing program is truly outstanding.

So tell your friends, pass this link along to anyone you think might be interested in donating, and thanks for reading!

Training Log: Catch Up!

Well, sorry I've been spotty in my posting, but using this week's Quote That Helps (see the sidebar), I'm gonna do the best I can and not be hard on myself about it!

The catch up is: at the gym, we've been going to Yoga which is lovely. I have so so so missed that practice! Tom and I have managed to get in one lunchtime climmb (today actually) and I am so excited to be so much stronger! My core still needs a lot of work, so Bosu ball, here I come!

I did manage to break a toe the other day, kicking a chair while barefoot and running through the kitchen. Ow. Second time I've broken this one. Great. It's taped, and we are moving on with our lives.

And... I am going to the D Team Tryouts Training Camp! YAY! It's official! I was worried because I don't ski at that level yet, but they are letting me come anyway, so WEE HOO!

There is a Race camp for a few days before that, so i think I am going to go early and just ski ski ski for about a week. IN AUGUST! How lucky am I?

I have $570 in my training fund from donations and sales on Ebay, I need $900 to get to camp, so visit my Ebay store or send a friend! Thanks for helping me reach my goal!

A Trainwreck Epidemic, and a CHALLENGE

I just got the following comment on one of the posts I wrote, and it echoed SO many sentiments that I have gotten via email, that I thought I MUST post it.

From Lisa:
Today I had to comment because I know exactly what you mean about the vitamins- I am so bad as to be derailed almost daily because I read both that vitamins should be taken with a meal and that dairy products impede absorption. Therefore I feel like I can never take my supplements if I've had a meal with even a trace of dairy- and this includes almost every meal since I'm also vegetarian and have limited sources of protein. Anyway, keep up the good fight. I've been greatly enjoying reading. (Only wish I could comment at pithily as Catherine).

****

First, Lisa, thanks for the comment, and second, you should know you are not alone!

And herein lies the problem. We educate ourselves so that we can do the best job possible taking care of our bodies. That is our job not only as athletes, but as humans! I mean, I want a strong, healthy body so that when I am a grandma, I can ski with my grandkids! And for that to happen, i have to take care of it NOW.

But there are so many things you can do, and so many things you can do wrong, that when we get totally tied to HAVING to do it right, sometimes we can't do it at all. And that just doesn't make any sense!

So here is my challenge to all of you out there (including myself):

When you find yourself NOT doing something, because you can't do it perfectly, challenge yourself to do it anyway, and do it to the best of your ability with the tools and information you have now.

So, Lisa: Dairy? Take em anyway! Kate: Missing one? Take what you have! Beth: No time to commit to a real workout schedule? Park further away and walk, take the stairs, and go around the block once a week.

But all of us: try to look at all we are doing that is POSITIVE and live there. Good for you for doing the reading and knowing about how your body uses the vitamins. Good job! Take that win. Then let yourself be human, and do the best you can with the tools and time you have avalible.

Oh, and by the way: we all wish we could comment as pithily as Catharine. But don't let it get you down! Instead, visit her blog for a good laugh at the Catharine Chronicles.

Happy Birthday Liat!

Thanks for sticking with me and pushing me hard. I love you!

Training Log: July 15: Hyalite Peak and Liat's Birthday!

For liat's 25th Birthday (OH MY GOD, she's 25!) we decided to hike Hyalite Peak. I haven't hiked this since last year, and I had forgotten what a SPECTACULARLY beautiful hike this is. 11 waterfalls on the way up, high Alpine meadows with plentiful wildflowers still! Then a hard 2 mile push up a gnarly scree path to the top for the most amazing views the Bozeman area has to offer. Seriously. You can see into Yellowstone, and all the way to Paradise Valley.

This is one of my favorite falls, it looks like a giant water slide, and Liat an I always wish we could just sit on the bridge and eat lunch, but its a pretty popular spot, so we never have it to ourselves for long.

Up in the high meadow, we found this bizarre spider on the path, and we are trying to figure out if that is an egg sac on his abdomen, or if he just has a beautiful turquoise bottom! He was big, and FAST, and really beautiful. I like this picture because you can see all his eyes! EEEE heeby-jeebies! We are going to email the pic to MSU and see if we can find out what kind of spider it really is.

The meadows are just spectacular, I can't wait until the kids are old enough to hike up here, it would be a great spot to backpack up into and play. There is a small little alpine lake up here, as well.

And this, of course, is what you look like when you turn 25. Okay, that's totally unfair. This is what you look like when you are LIAT and you turn 25! GO GIRL!! All in all, a great hike. It took us 6 1/2 hours, 4 up and 2 1/2 down, although we dawdled quite a bit on the way up, taking pictures, stopping to snack and so on.

Liat is going to babysit next weekend so I can take Tom up here, he's never seen it!!

Because I can't do it perfectly, I can't do it at all

I am just full of deep thoughts lately. And I haven't even had my first head shrinking session yet! (It's Tuesday).

But I had a funny thought, that I thought I might share with the rest of the perfectionists out there.

I take vitamins every day (or I try). Its hard to do, because there are a lot of them, and I have to take them three times a day. I have been working doing some things that make it easier, I got some little baggies and Liat marked them with Am, Noon and PM for me (and she wrote some cute little inspiring things on them like Go Kate!), and I was pre-filling them with my vitamins, so I can grab three, throw them in my purse, and get on with my life.

I ran out of one of them, a mineral supplement that I am supposed to take three times a day.

So, because I am dedicated to getting the whole thing back on track, I hied my self down to the Co-op to get a new bottle. Unfortunately, they had to special order it. So the logical thing to do would be to just fill the baggies with the rest of what i have, take the supplements I do have until the one I am missing comes in, and then add it to the mix, right?

WRONGO! Guess what I did? I left the project on the table and walked away from it with a sense of, "Well, I can't do this until I get that, so the project is stalled, and i'll do it when the other supplement comes in."

Because if I can't do it perfectly, I am not going to do it at all.

Now, we have learned this lesson! Right? Haven't I been posting about the fact that you do the best you can with the time and resources that you have, and whatever you can do is better than nothing?? Hello? Kate? Are you listening?

So I thought I would point out that it pops up every once in a while, this silly sabotaging perfection, and I caught it red handed. Now, i am on the look out for it, I want to exterminate it from my thought process. I bet I will get a lot more done, and won't be so GRRR about the stuff I can't do. Ahhhhhh... tranquility again...

You Were Saying?

Push, Push, Push. This used to be my mantra. There HAS to be a way to get it done. And that can be true, you can force things through. But I think, too, that there have to be days when you say, "Wow, things are just HARD today." and take that subtle hint from the universe and back off.

Today was supposed to be another glorious day:

6:00am meditation with Tom
6:30am breakfast and coffee with Tom
7:30am Tom goes to work, I clean the house
8:45am Abs class
9:00am Back workout
9:50am Yoga
11:00am home

This is what really happened:
Slept in, did not do meditation, breakfast or Abs. Got the kids to the Ridge at 9:30, where Liat had been waiting for me all morning. Got my act together, just in time for the world's crappiest, shortest yoga class.

Spent some time talking with Liat, the time talking superseded our ability to get in the back workout we wanted, and thus we ended up talking about THAT rather than working out.

Went back to the Ridge kids to pick up Ethan and Bodhi, only to find out that Bodhi had had an accident (???) up in the big climbing structure, and had just sliced his foot open and was laying on the floor screaming and wouldn't let anyone help him.

Right. Like I said, I guess it comes and it goes, and we are going to BREATHE and let it go, and be okay, and try again tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day.

How to Make It Work

I have been thinking about the differences between training now, at 36, with a family and a mortgage, vs. training when I was 18, single and at a training center. When I was younger, I lived at the Ice Castles International Training center for a while, pursuing Ice Skating. While I was there, my life was prescribed for me in a very concrete way.

Our schedules were given to us, and they looked something like this:

5:00 am Patch Practice
6:30 am Stroking
7:15 am Breakfast
8:30 am Morning Freestyle
11:30 am Karate
12:30 pm lunch
1:30 pm Ballet
3:00 pm Afternoon Freestyle
6:30 pm dinner
7:30 pm Weight Training
9:00 pm Cardio
10:30 pm lights out

Our meals were designed for us according to what our trainers agreed we needed to do, loose fat and build muscle, mostly. We kept detailed diaries of what we ate, and our cardio was adjusted accordingly.

It was kind of a no-brainer situation. Show up, eat what was put in front of you, no more, no less, do your work, get your rest. We did this six days a week, and took Sundays off. (During which time we usually did lift practice in the pool).

We all lived on campus together, my "class" included Chen Lu, Michelle and her sister Karen Kwan, Surya Bonaly, and a bunch of other great skaters. (Michelle was 13 at the time.) Because of this, when we ran into each other on the way up or down from the rink, as we stopped to chat, we'd do calf raises on the stairs. There was never a moment when we weren't training, and it wasn't hard to live in that mentality.

Today, life is a bit different for me. I assumed going into this, that I would have the work ethic, tools, and sheer will power to make a massive training effort easy for me. Alas, those tools, while very helpful, are not the things that will make or break me here in my desire to be healthy, have great balance, strength and stamina.

Today, my life doesn't have a schedule that stay constant for more than two days. I have to think hard about what I eat, how often I eat it, and of course, i have to prepare it myself, while feeding my kids as well. Yes, I know, everyone has to do this. But it has been interesting to try and figure out just exactly how many calories i am burning on a given day, so I can make sure that my calorie deficit (while I am still in the fat-loss stage of my program) is not more than 500 calories a day. More importantly, that the meals I eat are maximised to carry enough Protein to build the muscle I am demanding, that I get as many vitamins and minerals directly from food sources as possible, so they are efficient, and easy to metabolize and therefore build strong connective tissues, minimizing the chance of injury and maximizing my ability to heal should I hurt myself.

Both my little sister and I are certified Nutrition Technitons through Intrafitt, a program that was built for body builders and endurance athletes to treat their food as highly efficient fuel. But times and research have changed, and Liat and I (okay, mostly Liat) are finding ourselves slogging through books and articles to constantly update and refine what we believe about food, and how to make it most beneficial to our training. It was easier to show up at the cafeteria and pick up the tray marked "Kate".

So I have this mental image of what a great training program looks like, and what I would do with my day if I could, if I got paid to train, and it would look like this:

Daily:
5-10 mile hike or 3 mile swim
"Epic" cardio once a week (26 miles or more)
Yoga
Vipassana
Weight Training
Balance Work
Six meals a day (complete, no bars or red bull!)
A gallon of water a day
Vitamins 3x/daily
Film viewing/technical reading

Clinics and Camps monthly until Bridger opens.

Obviously, to pull this off, I'd need to be single, independently wealthy and 18!

So the question became, how do I do this? How do I balance my desire to do it to the very best of my ability with the real life situation? I want to be with my kids, take them to their swimming lessons, hang out with them, teach them, hike with them, spend time with my husband, work on my blog (s!), make my art, clean my house, pay my bills...

And the answer, I think, has evolved over the last three months. It used to be that when I "blew it" (ala Trainwrecks)I would get really down on myself. "Come on, Kate, you know how to do this. If you can't commit now, how will you ever make it?" "How bad do you want this? Obviously not enough to get your shit together to get to the gym at 5am every day."

And what has evolved here is the fact that life will happen. And it helps to have a (very) flexible training partner who is just as dedicated as you are (THANKS, LIAT!), and it helps to just keep trying.

There is this old Evian ad that I think I wrote about once before: Every day is a new chance to do something healthy. So I decided that part of my training mantra needs to be that if it doesn't happen today, I'll do everything I can to make it happen tomorrow. Meanwhile (and this is key, here...) I am going to enjoy the curveball that life has thrown me today.

In this last five weeks, this has meant letting it be okay if I go four or five days with NOTHING as far as training, but sticking with what I can and not getting discouraged (This was a MUCH bigger feat than I thought it would be). Cooking good meals anyway, taking vitamins anyway, not letting the lack of exercise snowball into other areas where I was doing well.

This also means allowing myself to eat ice cream occasionally!

This is definitely a work in progress, but it has become interesting as in the last two weeks, suddenly, things have come into balance, time with family, time in training, and I have really learned that everything comes and goes, my ability to make the kinds of food I should be eating, my ability to bring all my vitamins with me, my ability to get on the balnace board twice a day, my ability to get to the gym every day, my ability to remember to stand on one foot while i am doing the dishes, my ability to let go and focus on what is happening now, my dedication to my meditation practice...

and its okay that these things come and go. The trick seems to be KEEPING them coming and going, and in the big picture, it balances out to time in training and time with family. The last two weeks have been a spectacular success in this vein, less time with babysitters, more time in training... lets see if we can keep it up!

And if we can't, lets be patient, and loving and wait for the time when we can start again.