Friday, November 13, 2009

Giving While Grieving

I had a massage today, and I was not sure that I was going to be able to be present for my client, so I considered not going. But then I looked at what its like to open your heart when its wounded to hear someone else, and I realized that this was just what I needed to do.

My client is an amazingly beautiful person, and walking into his home was like walking into a womb in my own heart. His home reminds me of what my heartspace feels like, and that was amazing.

He had read my blog, and knew where I was coming from, and we spent some time talking, which was wonderful. I was grateful for a gentle soul who gave me a light place to land and ground before we went to work.

We talked about a lot of things, but the thing that struck me the most, was when he asked how I was doing, and I said I was grieving the loss, and he asked me, what loss? What exactly had I lost?

I had to think about that for quite a while. I was surprised that I didn't know the answer to that question. What had I lost? Potential? Unfulfilled dreams? Support? Companionship? Family?

I stopped on Family. I had lost children. That was the stumbling block.

"What is family?" he asked me. Its language. The word family is a label, like Wife or Mother that is applied. And I know this very well, because I dismantled my own family and rebuilt it. This is where I learned about the concept of a tribe, a group of people you commit to in your heart, take care of and know they will take care of you. To form a tribe, you put your ego and pride aside and commit to loving and caring for those you create into your family.

I got stuck here for a while, and he was lovely, let me cry into my cup of Jasmine tea for a while.

It flowed through and out of me, and eventually, we transitioned to having him on the table. I was so grateful to have this person under my hands. A teacher, but also a receiver. An open soul. I dipped my hands into his energy, and my own heartache became an echo and then floated away as I went to work, and began to listen.

I am always grateful for this because I feel like it shows me again and again that even when we are hurt and suffering, we are capable of love. Of giving love, of moving through our world, the wellspring doesn't turn off just because we are injured. And I know that he gave to me, then as well, he had extra to give, and I was grateful for it. And as I sipped on acceptance, I felt myself begin to fill back up.

I felt my hands heat up, and I entered that lovely space of meditation where all there is is the energetic proboscis of your hands and the cells containing the spirit on the table. That is all.

After our session, I drove through the falling snow to the club, because I'd agreed to workout on the Vibragym with a trainer who wanted to trade me for massage. It was funny, and fun, and some hard work, but not so much that I couldn't get into it. It shifted something, and I felt lighter, freeer, and was grateful again for the little opening.

I came back home and ate a nice lunch, food for the first time in days, and felt better. Right now, I'm stumbled back into tears and frustration and longing, but I realize this is how this works, this is part of the process, and I need to turn towards it and let it run through me. Its very hard not to stamp my feet and yell "Why??" But I know that wishing is the definition of suffering. And this already hurts enough.

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