Monday, November 9, 2009

Its just today's problem

You know what's amazing? When everything feels like its ending, but people around you can see that its just a passing cloud.

Today was very very hard. Tom and I had a fight, and we hurt each other. And I sat there, frightened and devastated in my car, in the middle of my day, crying and feeling like the world was ending. I know that's extreme. I know. But when it comes to the kids, its hard not to feel everything to extremes.

I skyped with Bodhi and Ethan tonight, and they are so close, their little sweet faces are right there, lifesized, and I can't touch them. They are hugging and kissing the computer screen, and Bodhi is running in and out of the picture, I can hear him playing with Tom in the back ground, and Ethan and I are chatting... and I miss them like I've lost a limb. And the not knowing when I'm going to see them next is brutal.

So I pulled my shit together, I still needed to get over to the library and get a library card, and check out some books to read to them on Skype tonight. And check my PO box, and go see my boss, Andy... I looked in the mirror and my eyes were all red and runny, but hey. I resisted the urge to just give in and go home and get in bed and cry and cry, which is really all I wanted to do.

I got out of my car and walked up to the ski school with my sunglasses on. The walk in the sunshine helped, it always does, to see other people moving on in their world when it feels like mine is ending. I had a few minutes to pull it together, and I went into Andy's office to say howdy.

Before we had a chance to talk, a woman came in who had lost her mother the year before. Andy introduced us, and started to tell her story. There was so much love there, this was a story of a woman who followed her dreams and was a professional skier. People thought she was crazy, and she taught her kids to follow their dreams and make a difference. And this woman, her daughter, loved her with a fierceness, and was so grateful for all that her mom had taught her. I'm sitting here, listening to this story, and feeling like, how is it possible that I ran into this woman today, and she should tell this story?

I want so badly to show Ethan and Bodhi that you can live your life responsibly, you can earn your money and have a safe and stable roof over your head, but you don't have to have a job you hate. You can do what you love, you can do something new, you can make up your job. You can follow your passion and feel free and alive. I want them to see me following my dream and bringing them up and loving them well, and I want to kindle a fire in them that makes them lust for life, I want to watch them grow and dream and become. I want to be a witness to what they can make out of their lives.

After the beautiful gift of this story, and sharing a few tears with this huge hearted woman, I looked at Andy. Unfortunately, I was still crying. I'm not a fan of drama and tears, I try to feel what I feel and let it move through me, and keep living in my life rather than being ruled by other people's actions. But sometimes, in the situation I'm in now, sometimes, its just too big, and I need a friend.

Andy told me something he'd learned from someone, I wish I remembered who it was, and I'll ask him so we can track this through here, but he told me, "Today is a bad day for you."

I smiled at him, because that was a nice, understanding thing to say. "Yes," I said, "Today is a bad day."

"But this is today's problem."

Andy went on to share the idea with me that what I'm feeling and dealing with now, that feels like the worst, scariest thing I can deal with, is really just today's problem. I will get through it, as I did yesterday's problem, and tomorrow's problem will be all teed up waiting for me.

I thought about this for a minute. It reminded me that the definition of suffering is wishing things were different than they are.

This was the first in a series of little helps and pushes that helped me pull my head and heart out of fear and into what needs to happen now. To see that this is this moment, this is the reality of this moment, and that there is a way through it.

I have a beautiful home. It has a bedroom for the boys. I have a great new room mate, who I love, who will be wonderful for my boys to be around. I have a big yard, and a pond, and three good jobs. I have friends who help me up when I fall down.

And then I let go, and I took a breath, and my friend called and she's moving here to live with me, and then I took a swim with Cindy who listened and hugged me, and then a friend helped me out with a surprise donation to my rent, which was a huge relief, and then my mom called, and she's heading out to Bozeman to take care of the kiddos.

And tomorrow will be another day. Wow, suddenly, Im channeling Scarlett O'Hara. Sokay, I could do worse.


matthews24 said...

Good on you for being so strong and thank you for sharing your thoughts and dreams... You deserve the the best... Hopefully good times will be coming your way soon!

a said...

Thank you! Thanks for reading, its always nice to get a little cheer from a reader. Its funny, there are so many good times. And one really bad difficult hard time. I know it will work out, I know it will.
Thanks for stopping by!

Windy said...

You're doubtong yourself, Kate, but you shouldn't be! I know there's a lot more going on in your life than meets the blog, but, choices have been made, you've made the decisions; all you need now is a saeson to start, to make some $$ (!) and improve that teetering vision of your own self-worth!! No thinking that you're SUB-par; if anything, you're doing what a million million of us have always wanted to do, but never found the nads to follow up on.You won't disappoint anyone if you go back to MT., but yourself, and that is the most important. Courage my dear.

a said...

Hey, Windy! Thanks for the comment, you know, its not so much that I doubt myself, but that its becoming very hard to stay focused when my understanding of when my kids are going to be with me changes daily. That is very difficult.

Going back to Montana is a last resort, not one i'm planing on, because I can't give my kids the life they deserve if I do that, and I won't have the career I want if I do that!

So i'm staying the course, I'm committed, but man, I had no idea how much the plan would vascliate. And that is frustrating.

:-) thanks for the support and encouragement! You are aweseome!!