Monday, November 9, 2009

Its been a tough day. Once again, things have changed 180 degrees on a whim. I'm trying hard to stay the course, see my path and know its going to be okay. But its very hard to feel so very powerless, and to feel so very betrayed by someone who I loved well for a long time. The truly sad thing is, I know he feels the same way. And there's no fixing it. There's no making it civil, or kind. No matter how much I wish it, that isn't how we are now. Its not what he wants, there is no trust there. It can't be done.

Today I sit here, having shuffled everything again, and breathe, feeling like the rug's been pulled out from under me with no warning. Again. I had so hoped that starting my new life would ease the emotional fish hooks from my cheeks, and it has, my day to day is less dark, I'm less afraid, more free, but there is still all this power for pain, and it feels as though its exercised with brutal gaiety.

I'm also sad that I can't really write about it, because while its important, and its happening, and I feel muzzled... I can't write about it.

So I'm quiet now because I'm swamped with a tidal wave of longing for my kids, and fear about the ever changing winds from up north about the future. I know I'm doing the right thing. I have a home suitable for the boys, I have three good jobs, and I have a wonderful friend who is going to come live with me, who loves children, should they ever make it out here.

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